On special mornings, when it is that certain time that it feels like no one in the city is awake except for me, I go outside in my fluffy purple bathrobe and Ugg-ish slippers and I sit in my rocking chair on the deck and I listen to the quiet hums and rumbles that telegraph to my just-waking-up brain that there are others that are stirring. Whether it be a pre-dawn walker that whisks past the fence that protects me from the rest of the outside world or the bizarre, lone Toyota that hurtles by—its bass pounding out its windows, ploofing up the bottom of my nightgown—there are those few moments there when I feel like I’m all alone, living in the country and I imagine myself grasping on to that fluid silence forever. My question is—is this a sign that I should I move to Montana prairie or Nova Scotia or some other wide open space where I can constantly hear my own heart beat or should I stay put here, in the city, where I begrudgingly wait for things to come alive while I sip at my coffee?
—Caught Up In a Conundrum On the California Coast
Sometimes on Saturday, after we are woken by the sound of a violent crow fight in the yard next door, we like to keep the rest of the day simple by doing the things we love best: barking, drinking water, barking some more, finding new and revolutionary lounging positions, barking in low tones as opposed to high and staring at our mother with our big brown eyes while she reads on the deck, hoping she can tell that we appreciate her existence in a way that is inexplicable even though we rarely listen to a goddamn word she says.
Ain’t It Great To Be Alive,
As you may or may not know, I have been involved in the scientific research having to do with Why Olive Garden Restaurants Are So Scary and, after months of research involving a pack of golden retrievers, flying drones and people connected to Stephen J. Hawking, I am ready to reveal my findings regarding the terrifying aspects of this supposed family friendly eatery.
Why Olive Garden Restaurants Are So Scary:
1. Salad croutons from Planet of the Apes.
2. Ordering tomato cream penne pasta special requires texting local emergency room because: cream, arteries.
3. Bread, bread, more bread, bread sticks, bread rolls, bread with butter, bread with bread and more bread with more butter.
4. Plastic vegetables.
5. Bustling atmosphere shrouds fact that all dishes = heavy cream.