Cooper Being Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant

revenantIn this pivotal scene, the brave actor nestles himself inside of a dead horse carcass with the hope that none of his enemy people looking for a person hiding in a horse carcass will notice him.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I live in Los Angeles and I have a question I hope you can help me with. It seems that El Nino has finally arrived and today we had our first huge downpour of rain. Buckets of water from the sky. Fluid leaking from the heavens. My dilemma involves how I am supposed to behave in my automobile while this wet deluge is falling from above. Should I put my breaks on every 15 seconds whilst I keep my eyes peeled on my rearview mirror hoping no one rear ends me or should I just drive as usual, acting as if nothing is wrong?

—Paralyzed By Precipitation On Pico Boulevard

Dear Paralyzed,
Good Luck,

Sunday Prayer

peekDear Manager of All Things Holy,

Hey listen, I know you’re as busy as the little people who keep J Lo’s boobs in place but if you can carve out a few minutes in your schedule I would deeply appreciate your guidance as I weave my way through the forest of my immaculate indecision as I approach 2016. For instance, I could use a strong body lift that enables me to see the expanse of my environment—beyond, below, above and across—so that I might see the potential magic that is in store for me. And, if you’re inclined to provide me with some sweet guidance, I would love to know and believe that I am on my true and righteous path. These are all sincere requests and they are all a result of my beloved longing to grow and be and discover who I really am, so if you have two seconds in between managing world chaos and tending to the upheaval about soy, I would be eternally grateful and just plain gleeful if you would lend your omnipotence to my worthy and buoyant cause, gracias, amen you may be seated.

Saturday SlobberLove

reluctantSometimes on Saturday, after a perfectly wonderful stroll in the brisk morning air that is destroyed by a pack of murderous squirrels who seem to have it out for us, we like to take shelter in the comfort and safety of our own home, making sure that our mother knows that there must be some precautions taken in the future so that we will never be that traumatized again.

Yours In Squirrel Alertness,
Ted Terrified

Monday Judgements and Warnings

When you have that millisecond of a thought that you are going to call your nine years deceased loved one to talk about the crazy lady you saw in the market dressed as an elf, it doesn’t mean you’re bonkers. It means you’re wayward with your grief, as is common during this time of year and it means that you should kick your shoes off, grab your favorite beverage and tell yourself that everything will be okay just as long as you keep your helmet on.

Onward then,
Belinda Braveheart