Hi. I’m Horsey. Regardless of the fact that I have red, flared nostrils, I am a kind sort. I love my fellow man and I go out of my way to make sure that I’m doing all I can to make sure there is peace in the kingdom. For example, if you happen to be fortunate enough to be riding your bike along the bike path that parallels the ocean and you see an elderly person, confused and wilted, shuffling across the road that possesses all those pedaling at 80 miles an hour, you might find it in your heart to pull over your two pedal contraption and escort the wandering one to safety—far from the runners and roller bladders and cyclists and in because of this but not for this you will have deposited your weekly Kind Karma Deposit into your Karma Bank and both of you will walk away happy and unscathed.
Goodness Is As Goodness Does,
Hi, I’m Horsey and I wanted to bring your attention to a Tampon commercial on TV that involves a hefty, smiling lady dancing around to some music that sounds like a song the Isley Brothers would make if they were all stuffed into an Iron Lung. She dances around and acts unbelievably happy about having a tampon in and then another woman comes on the TV and does this whole simulation that shows what happens to the tampon inside dancing lady’s body when it twists like a pretzel.
You might ask yourself, WHY SO MUCH GODDAMN TWISTING? I MAY TWIST LIKE THAT ONE TIME IN THE WHOLE OF MY LIFE.
But dancing lady be happy with the twistin’—-as a matter of fact she’s in her bathrobe now twistin’ and grinnin’ and doin’ the bump.
And Horsey has something to say about this whole predicament, this whole commercial:
HORSEY SAYS “WHO, WHAT WHERE AND MOST OF ALL WHY?” ABOUT THIS COMMERCIAL. AND THEN HORSEY EATS SOME HAY AND GOES TO SLEEP.
Hi, I’m Horsey. Although I have no eyelashes, I have enormous nostrils and I think this makes up for things. I’m not conceited, like other horses. As a matter of fact, I am extremely wise and grounded, due to the fact that I have metal rods drilled into the sides of my neck and my buttocks. I can’t gallop but I can, however, wear my hair like John Travolta in Grease. So I’ve got that going for me.
I have a lot on my mind and I have a lot to say. For instance, this afternoon, on the news the newscaster was advising everyone about things to avoid doing during the current heat wave. He said to stay indoors (If I could move I could live with that), wear loose clothing (no big whoop), and AVOID ALCOHOL. When I heard that last detail I thought, “What a bunch of horse shit” — there is not a chance in hell that Horsey will forego his evening gin martini. Gin keeps Horsey going and he wants you to know that you shouldn’t believe everything you hear on the news, especially when it comes to avoiding a nice tall glass of Pinot.
Horsey says: if anything will put a hitch in one’s giddy up, it’s a lack of vino so keep on keepin’ on pardners, and don’t listen to those horses asses on the evening news.