When death comes it surprises and shocks, even if it is expected. When it bursts open wide like a firework, unexpected, that’s the thing that leaves you reeling even more. You might think that terms like “cycle of life” swirl about in your brain but they don’t. You only wonder words like “why” and “how” and “no” and you grab the invisible blanket next to you and you wrap it around you and you picture your own life like a tunnel where there reside a million wishes for none of any of this to ever happen.
Grab Hold, It Gets Choppy,
Sabrina of the Slightly Grim
Not that I’m an expert on night terrors or anything but I can safely say that if you wake up at that 4:22 AM haunted hour and you’re feeling like your eyeballs are two bright shining beams that are telegraphing your every last yucky thought out into the universe—MAKE NO MISTAKE—you’d be wise to NOT get up and wander downstairs for a drink of water in the pitch black while catching a glimpse of the 879 foot tall junipers that sway outside your window, mistaking them for several giant murderers waiting to take your life and the life of your family members by storming your cozy homestead and smothering you with their abundance of needles.
Then That Happened,
Irma With the Screwy Imagination
As you may or may not know, I have been involved in the scientific research having to do with Why Olive Garden Restaurants Are So Scary and, after months of research involving a pack of golden retrievers, flying drones and people connected to Stephen J. Hawking, I am ready to reveal my findings regarding the terrifying aspects of this supposed family friendly eatery.
Why Olive Garden Restaurants Are So Scary:
1. Salad croutons from Planet of the Apes.
2. Ordering tomato cream penne pasta special requires texting local emergency room because: cream, arteries.
3. Bread, bread, more bread, bread sticks, bread rolls, bread with butter, bread with bread and more bread with more butter.
4. Plastic vegetables.
5. Bustling atmosphere shrouds fact that all dishes = heavy cream.
I like your feathered hair. It reminds me of my 1979 senior photo when I used so much hairspray that it made it difficult for me to smile normally. And I like how you gun your engine at the stop light we find ourselves waiting at. The VROOM VROOM brings a bit of character to this human scene. Especially, I like the cherry red color of your gigantic Trans-Am. How the car itself seems to hold you like a tiny infant, as if you were about to be birthed. And, finally, dear sir, I can’t help but mentioning the freakish eagle on the hood of your car—how its wings seem to span the universe and communicate some kind of message from Foreigner. I know you think they are a kick-ass band and I know that for a brief moment, as you blast RUSH from the innards of your automobile that it is only a matter of time until Hot Blooded will seep out into the atmosphere from your holy little house on wheels. I may be gone by that time, our paths may have separated at that point but just in case I don’t get to tell you, can you do me a favor and turn it the hell down?
Me No Likey The Loudy,
Hello. The following is an excerpt from the seminar I used to give entitled What To Do If You Step In Dog Poop While Wearing Flip-Flops. It was a week-long seminar that involved many tears, screams of terror and (rarely) a seizure or two.
What To Do If You Step In Dog Poop While Wearing Flip-Flops:
1. Assess the situation.
Is the poop on your heel and has it squished up your ankle? Make note of this and make sure you are close to a hose.
2. Don’t Panic.
I know this goes without saying but panicking will just make things worse. If you can, disrobe completely and make an effort to avoid finding the dog and owner of dog that has thrust you into this stinky situation. This will do no good.
3. Figure Out Your Cleaning Strategy.
The reality is that your heel and possibly entire foot and shoe are covered in dog poop. As soon as you can, get these awful facts through your horrified brain. Then, as soon as you can, figure out how you’re going to get the poop off. As mentioned before, an outdoor hose will do the trick with the least amount of trauma but just say you’ve discovered the feces AFTER you’ve entered your home, the best thing to do is to hop to the sink and rinse your poop foot off while at the same time poofing Ajax everywhere within three feet of your poopy foot.
4. Know That Your Life Will Return To Normal Someday.
It may not be now or next week or even next year but someday you will not have a poop stained foot and you will feel like a normal person. Keep your mind on this thought—that someday you will be stink and poop free.
5. Never Again Take Your Eyes Off the Ground That You Tread.
Many survivors have said that this is the most valuable piece of poop advice that I have given. Wherever you go, whatever you are doing, part of your poop-stained brain MUST be aware of where your footsies are walking. Are you on grass and is there a chance that you might step in poop again? Is there a chance that the park you are joyfully running in might have a pile of dog poop that you might schplotz in like an unaware camel? Make sure you are vigilant and make sure you are aware. This will help you avoid future poop disasters.
Best Of Luck and Godspeed,
Penelope the Poop Professor