I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life or anything, but word has it on the street that, if you want to have a conversation with another human and you say the word “in-cre-DAH-bla” twice using a fake french accent, there is a likely chance that the Freak Police will swarm your conversation and drag you off to the clinker in order to prevent you from creating more squirmy uncomfortableness than you already have.
Words Are Weapons,
Lieutenant Lori Linguistic
1. Shoulder pads
2. Rainbow colored hair scrunchies
3. Leg warmers on men over 70
4. Mini-skirts that show a little peekaboo of someone’s big butt
5. Black tights that appear to have been attacked by an angry cat
Pssst. I could get arrested for giving you the inside scoop here but I thought it would be goodwill-ey of me to cough up the horrifying details. Here’s the deal people: The Tinsel Police are out in full force. God help you if you have a tangled bunch of silver string on your tree because these thug elves will burst through your front door using sledgehammers, inspect your trimmings and throw you in the clinker faster than you can say “this stuffing is so dry”. To avoid their Tinsel Police wrath, you’d best be aware of when and why and how you place tinsel on your tree because these striped-tight wearing shorties are out for blood.
Consider Yourself Warned,
I’m not saying that I know everything about how the universe works but when you pull up to the gas pump in your 20 foot tall Chevy wearing felt reindeer ears and blasting Ted Nugent it appears that you are completely unaware that you are embodying the exact opposite of everything Christmas Joy attempts to exude.
Stop the Madness,
You’s a Fool Division
I don’t know if you’re aware of this but if you use the phrase “It’s not gonna be all rainbows and unicorns” more than TWICE while in a five minute conversation, this qualifies you to go straight to hell where you will be responsible for tending to people who have bunions.
Don’t Say I Didn’t Try To Warn You,
Sergeant Shush Your Mouth