Not that I’m an expert on the afterlife or anything, but if you are in your car at a stop light waiting to make a right turn on a red light and a lovely mommy pushing her lovely baby in a stroller is trying to cross the street in front of you and you gun your freakishly red Mustang motor and challenge her to a game of chicken, making the lovely baby cry and the lovely mother jump out of her skin, I’m quite certain that you’re on the short list to go straight to hell where you will live your life as a legless hamster.
Assfaces Are as Assfaces Do,
Tammy Traffic Cop
There might be one day when you wake up and you think that it is a good idea to prance on down to your local grocery store sporting your bicycle shorts with the butt padding coupled with a pair of pumps and, although your energy decision is to be upbeat and friendly and seemingly a distraction that you are wearing bicycle pants and pumps, it won’t matter because you made the last minute decision to pair your pumps with sport socks. You see, this only frightens people and makes them doubt your sanity, as you load your coconut milk and peppered salami on the conveyor belt ready for purchase. Not only that, when you ask the check out person where you might find the Suave #8 hairspray because you’d like to purchase a case, it simply adds to your weirdness and makes us all left to our own devices wondering how on earth we should even try to maintain an ounce of eye contact with you.
Stay Away From the Cray-Cray,
Bedelia Better Safe Than Sorry
When death comes it surprises and shocks, even if it is expected. When it bursts open wide like a firework, unexpected, that’s the thing that leaves you reeling even more. You might think that terms like “cycle of life” swirl about in your brain but they don’t. You only wonder words like “why” and “how” and “no” and you grab the invisible blanket next to you and you wrap it around you and you picture your own life like a tunnel where there reside a million wishes for none of any of this to ever happen.
Grab Hold, It Gets Choppy,
Sabrina of the Slightly Grim
Not that I’m an expert on night terrors or anything but I can safely say that if you wake up at that 4:22 AM haunted hour and you’re feeling like your eyeballs are two bright shining beams that are telegraphing your every last yucky thought out into the universe—MAKE NO MISTAKE—you’d be wise to NOT get up and wander downstairs for a drink of water in the pitch black while catching a glimpse of the 879 foot tall junipers that sway outside your window, mistaking them for several giant murderers waiting to take your life and the life of your family members by storming your cozy homestead and smothering you with their abundance of needles.
Then That Happened,
Irma With the Screwy Imagination
As you may or may not know, I have been involved in the scientific research having to do with Why Olive Garden Restaurants Are So Scary and, after months of research involving a pack of golden retrievers, flying drones and people connected to Stephen J. Hawking, I am ready to reveal my findings regarding the terrifying aspects of this supposed family friendly eatery.
Why Olive Garden Restaurants Are So Scary:
1. Salad croutons from Planet of the Apes.
2. Ordering tomato cream penne pasta special requires texting local emergency room because: cream, arteries.
3. Bread, bread, more bread, bread sticks, bread rolls, bread with butter, bread with bread and more bread with more butter.
4. Plastic vegetables.
5. Bustling atmosphere shrouds fact that all dishes = heavy cream.