Dumbo Alert: one ponchy middle aged man, wearing short shorts and a confederate flag t-shirt, explaining to his fellow gas station patrons that his dislike of MLK Day is grounded in the fact that Martin Luther King, Jr. wasn’t a real doctor.
You’re Under Arrest,
Not that I’m an expert on the afterlife or anything, but if you are in your car at a stop light waiting to make a right turn on a red light and a lovely mommy pushing her lovely baby in a stroller is trying to cross the street in front of you and you gun your freakishly red Mustang motor and challenge her to a game of chicken, making the lovely baby cry and the lovely mother jump out of her skin, I’m quite certain that you’re on the short list to go straight to hell where you will live your life as a legless hamster.
Assfaces Are as Assfaces Do,
Tammy Traffic Cop
There might be one day when you wake up and you think that it is a good idea to prance on down to your local grocery store sporting your bicycle shorts with the butt padding coupled with a pair of pumps and, although your energy decision is to be upbeat and friendly and seemingly a distraction that you are wearing bicycle pants and pumps, it won’t matter because you made the last minute decision to pair your pumps with sport socks. You see, this only frightens people and makes them doubt your sanity, as you load your coconut milk and peppered salami on the conveyor belt ready for purchase. Not only that, when you ask the check out person where you might find the Suave #8 hairspray because you’d like to purchase a case, it simply adds to your weirdness and makes us all left to our own devices wondering how on earth we should even try to maintain an ounce of eye contact with you.
Stay Away From the Cray-Cray,
Bedelia Better Safe Than Sorry
When death comes it surprises and shocks, even if it is expected. When it bursts open wide like a firework, unexpected, that’s the thing that leaves you reeling even more. You might think that terms like “cycle of life” swirl about in your brain but they don’t. You only wonder words like “why” and “how” and “no” and you grab the invisible blanket next to you and you wrap it around you and you picture your own life like a tunnel where there reside a million wishes for none of any of this to ever happen.
Grab Hold, It Gets Choppy,
Sabrina of the Slightly Grim