I don’t know if you’re aware of this but if you use the phrase “It’s not gonna be all rainbows and unicorns” more than TWICE while in a five minute conversation, this qualifies you to go straight to hell where you will be responsible for tending to people who have bunions.
Don’t Say I Didn’t Try To Warn You,
Sergeant Shush Your Mouth
As you may or may not know, today is the day that commemorates the seventh anniversary of The Cupcakes. The day when we became The Master Mister and the Divine Missus. In those seven years we have learned a crap load more than Brad Pitt learned in Tibet. For example, we have learned that the other one is stubborn. And we have learned that the other one is our best friend, albeit an ornery little sucker at times. The thing is, we have, while we have been mated, doing research constantly (especially while the other one is on the toilet) and we are ready to reveal the Five Most Important Things To Never Say To or Ask Your Spouse If You Want a Peaceful Marriage:
1. Shut-Up, why don’t you ever shut-up?
2. Who are you again?
3. Look! I bought another pair of shoes!
4. I know we’re not supposed to keep track, but by my calculations I’ve been right 99% of the time.
5. Can I have the remote?
Good Luck and Godspeed Precious Ones,
The Lady of the House
Everyone makes the same mistake. They think they get it and can take it in and wrap the juju around them like a blanket, free to walk away as if they captured the thing they just saw.
But trees come with warnings and disclaimers and promises.
And the warnings say don’t look too quick or else you’ll miss our true beauty and the disclaimers say be prepared for our shininess to stay with you forever and the promises say we vow to morph ourselves, in the certain right light, to look like a painting, giving you the freedom to decide which magnificent artist created the yummy glory you allowed yourself to see.
The Only Way To Get This Wrong Is To Not Notice,
Agnes of the Awesome
Listen, I know you mean well and I know that you think wearing your pastel tennis outfit will somehow distract the rest of us from that half dozen hair strand ponytail sprouting out of the top of your head, but when you insist on using the phrase “vis-a’vis” over and over again you not only lose us, you make us doubt your credibility as a normal lady person.
Can’t Put In What God Left Out,
Sister Shut It
Thanks for meeting me hear in this dark and dangerous alley to discuss one of the most common reasons that people may unfriend you on Facebook. I hope you have your notepads and pens handy because I’m only going to say this once and then, after I’ve said it, I’m going to throw my cape over my face and run away as fast as I can. I won’t be able to take questions. As a matter of fact, I’m risking my reputation just by being here so keep that in mind should you think about following me. Once this is over, we were never here and you don’t know me.
Here’s the deal:
When you’re having a conversation with someone, a group of people or even your elderly grandmother, when you divulge the fact that you love The Eagles and you start talking about how your song with your significant other is Best of My Love—the people you’re talking to don’t hear your actual words. Their ears and spleen shut down. What they actually hear you saying is:
1. I’m a Scientologist.
2. I’m not wearing underwear.
3. Can you help me get the toe jam out of my toes?
4. I have the second largest doll collection in the world.
5. I think Charles Manson got a bad rap.
End of story. No way around it.
Go Forth and Withhold Personal Information,