I like your feathered hair. It reminds me of my 1979 senior photo when I used so much hairspray that it made it difficult for me to smile normally. And I like how you gun your engine at the stop light we find ourselves waiting at. The VROOM VROOM brings a bit of character to this human scene. Especially, I like the cherry red color of your gigantic Trans-Am. How the car itself seems to hold you like a tiny infant, as if you were about to be birthed. And, finally, dear sir, I can’t help but mentioning the freakish eagle on the hood of your car—how its wings seem to span the universe and communicate some kind of message from Foreigner. I know you think they are a kick-ass band and I know that for a brief moment, as you blast RUSH from the innards of your automobile that it is only a matter of time until Hot Blooded will seep out into the atmosphere from your holy little house on wheels. I may be gone by that time, our paths may have separated at that point but just in case I don’t get to tell you, can you do me a favor and turn it the hell down?
Me No Likey The Loudy,
Hello. The following is an excerpt from the seminar I used to give entitled What To Do If You Step In Dog Poop While Wearing Flip-Flops. It was a week-long seminar that involved many tears, screams of terror and (rarely) a seizure or two.
What To Do If You Step In Dog Poop While Wearing Flip-Flops:
1. Assess the situation.
Is the poop on your heel and has it squished up your ankle? Make note of this and make sure you are close to a hose.
2. Don’t Panic.
I know this goes without saying but panicking will just make things worse. If you can, disrobe completely and make an effort to avoid finding the dog and owner of dog that has thrust you into this stinky situation. This will do no good.
3. Figure Out Your Cleaning Strategy.
The reality is that your heel and possibly entire foot and shoe are covered in dog poop. As soon as you can, get these awful facts through your horrified brain. Then, as soon as you can, figure out how you’re going to get the poop off. As mentioned before, an outdoor hose will do the trick with the least amount of trauma but just say you’ve discovered the feces AFTER you’ve entered your home, the best thing to do is to hop to the sink and rinse your poop foot off while at the same time poofing Ajax everywhere within three feet of your poopy foot.
4. Know That Your Life Will Return To Normal Someday.
It may not be now or next week or even next year but someday you will not have a poop stained foot and you will feel like a normal person. Keep your mind on this thought—that someday you will be stink and poop free.
5. Never Again Take Your Eyes Off the Ground That You Tread.
Many survivors have said that this is the most valuable piece of poop advice that I have given. Wherever you go, whatever you are doing, part of your poop-stained brain MUST be aware of where your footsies are walking. Are you on grass and is there a chance that you might step in poop again? Is there a chance that the park you are joyfully running in might have a pile of dog poop that you might schplotz in like an unaware camel? Make sure you are vigilant and make sure you are aware. This will help you avoid future poop disasters.
Best Of Luck and Godspeed,
Penelope the Poop Professor
I’m not Scotland Yard or anything but let me just say that I saw you when your gigantic great dane took a poop the size of the space shuttle on our neighbor’s yard and you chose to not pick it up. True, you would have needed a dump truck to assist you in cleaning up the mess your NBA sized dog left but the point is that you immediately left the scene of the crime thinking that you were escaping without one sniff, without one pair of eyeballs witnessing. But you would have been wrong because I saw you there, scurrying away from the four foot pile of doodoo and make no mistake this will be the first thing I think of when I bump into you on the street as I take a walk with my dwarfish terrier-beagle mix as we’re on our way to do his business with our trusty plastic bag.
Do The Right Thing For Chriminy Sake,
Helena the Hall Monitor
VERY SIMPLE: NO HONKING AT THE DRIVE-THRU.
You’re under arrest,
Lieutenant Loon Identifier
I’m not the lord of your life or anything like that but I happen to know that Mumford and Sons are after you. With their colorful musical arrangements and their throaty, powerful vocals that sing about gonna and wanna and shoulda as if they’re being chased by a pack of wild Mustang stallions—they’re after you and there’s not a god damn thing you can do to stop them because their harmonies are like nine million underwater torpedoes crashing across the land aimed only for you, you precious little pip-squeek—waiting in a field, with an extra jacket and even though you believe Mumford and Sons to be too heavy on the ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-dum-dum you run for cover every time you hear one of their raucous songs because, if the truth were to be told, you want to just have your morning orange juice, write in your journal and just rest.
Less Is Less,