I know it would seem like there should be some things that, no matter where you are or what you’re doing or where you live, there should be certain things that defy time. Like, if you’re 55 you can still like listening to The Bee Gees or if you’re 75 you can still cry the blues about the price of milk—-these things will not take away from your overall credibility.
HOWEVER, there are a few things that DEFY THE DEYING TIME RULE regarding sustaining credibility and these are the Top Five:
1. Wearing leg warmers
2. Playing the song Muskrat Love by Captain and Tennille at a dinner party
3. Having Jean Nate as your favorite fragrance
4. Humming, at any time of the day or night, Wake Me Up Before You Go Go by WHAM!
5. Quoting Jonathan Livingston Seagull
You Are Your HooHa,
Betty Be Yourself Except If It Involves That
**WARNING** THIS POST REQUIRES YOU TO PICTURE ME HOLDING A MACHETE, WEARING A FUSCIA COLORED CORSET AND BRIGHT PERIWINKLE PETTICOATS WITH A BUNCH OF TURQUOISE AND PINK FEATHERS IN MY MESSY BOUFFANT HAIR.
So picture that. Picture that plus picture one of my legs, with bent knee, hoisted up on a barrel of moonshine whoop ass.
Then picture me wearing a sandwich board with the address of my website, called:
WATERYOURBALLS.COM where we women discuss our TRUE thoughts about how we feel about making our way in this world, filled with so many penises and we gotta tell ya—-we’re watering our own balls in order to make things just a tad more dignified and lovely ’round here.
Ok then, that’s about it. You can go on ‘n git now.
Best Wishes For Your Continued Success,
Ruth the Rabbliest Rabble Rouser
Side Effects of Having a Thin-Skinned Bursting Open Heart:
1. Hurts, aches, pulled muscles
2. Stretches as far as your eye can see and as far as your eye cannot see
3. Alone Time Tending Bursting Open Heart = Lots of Time, Too Much Time
4. Aches, hurts, sprained ventricles
5. Unusual relationship with the word “WHY”
Let’s All Be Good You and I,
Prime Minster of the phrase We’re Gonna Get Thru This
Memo to all y’all. All y’all. I’ve always wanted to say that. All y’all. Or even just y’all. “Heyy’all” like it’s one word.
This memo to y’all is to give y’all a word up that I am going to start making a concerted and valiant effort to incorporate the following words and phrases into my vocabulary and I wanted y’all to know just so you could pick some words and phrases of y’all’s own. What I’m saying is I’m calling dibs on these words so if you want to try using new words more, just keep your grabby lizard hands off mine and I’ll keep my creepy sloth hands off yours:
1. Pell Mell
2. WUT UP DAWG?
3. (upon seeing my neighbor Miriam when she’s in a paranoid rant with my husband about the loud vagabonds who live just to the north of her): RALLY THE TROOPS COMMANDER!
5. Can I have the last bite of your peppercinni?
We All Clear Then?
Ok, so we all know there are certain givens in life:
3. You MUST love skiing
HOWEVER if you not only don’t like skiing but actually HATE it there are certain ways you can communicate this to your wolverine drooling ski crazed friends without being run out of town by an angry mob.
You can mention that you would rather eat tin foil than ski while the smoke alarm is going off and in this way it is very likely that no one will hear you.
You can pantomime that you hate skiing and all of your Ski Or Die! friends will just think you had a bit too much brandy.
You can wake your friends up, on by one, early in the morning and scream into their faces like Joan Crawford yelled at her children about wire hangers I HATE SKIIING-OH GOD I HATE IT-I HATE IT OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD I HATE…!!!!! and then collapse in a heap of sob and in this way you’ll just set the stage for your friends to never dare question you about this psychotic outburst again.
See? There’s a Game Plan For Everything,
Pippi of the Prepared