All posts in Monday Judgements & Warnings

Monday Judgements and Warnings


You’re under arrest,
Lieutenant Loon Identifier
Freak Patrol

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I’m not the lord of your life or anything like that but I happen to know that Mumford and Sons are after you. With their colorful musical arrangements and their throaty, powerful vocals that sing about gonna and wanna and shoulda as if they’re being chased by a pack of wild Mustang stallions—they’re after you and there’s not a god damn thing you can do to stop them because their harmonies are like nine million underwater torpedoes crashing across the land aimed only for you, you precious little pip-squeek—waiting in a field, with an extra jacket and even though you believe Mumford and Sons to be too heavy on the ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-dum-dum you run for cover every time you hear one of their raucous songs because, if the truth were to be told, you want to just have your morning orange juice, write in your journal and just rest.

Less Is Less,
Sheila Shush

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Things You Can’t Do:

1. Wear an ornate Christmas sweater in March
2. Criticize Van Morrison
3. Do the group OM in yoga class like you’re singing an operatic aria
4. Say that being on “Naked and Afraid” would be easy
5. Tug on my ears without my permission when I tell you I have a headache

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life or anything, but word has it on the street that, if you want to have a conversation with another human and you say the word “in-cre-DAH-bla” twice using a fake french accent, there is a likely chance that the Freak Police will swarm your conversation and drag you off to the clinker in order to prevent you from creating more squirmy uncomfortableness than you already have.

Words Are Weapons,
Lieutenant Lori Linguistic
Doofus Division

Things I Like More Than Pairing Socks With Flip-Flops

1. Shoulder pads
2. Rainbow colored hair scrunchies
3. Leg warmers on men over 70
4. Mini-skirts that show a little peekaboo of someone’s big butt
5. Black tights that appear to have been attacked by an angry cat