Wheat Thins or Wheatables?
Cheese Nips or Cheez-Its?
Vanity Fair or Newsweek? (oops wrong survey)
Drops or Dots?
Mango or White Nectarine?
Peppermint Patties or Junior Mints?
Baskin Robbins or Cold Stone?
Eudora Welty or Flannery O’Connor? (oops wrong survey)
Pringles or Baked Lays?
Life is a series of choices,
Semi Best Selling Author, Gone Snackin’! and Give Me Kettle Corn or Give Me Death
Is it possible to cut a mango without losing your mind?
I’m just asking.
We’re bad people,
“Mango Splitter” Design Team
1. Do you ever stop talking?
2. Say someone has $6.50 left over after paying their bills for the month—do you recommend that that person slide that $6.50 on over into an IRA or do you advise that person to use the $6.50 to buy butter?
3. In the middle of the night, when you are sleeping, are you NOT talking then?
4. When you are cooking up malarkey ways to order people around about what to do with their money do you ever think “What the hell am I talking about?”….?
5. When you and Oprah are planning what latest piece of wisdom you are going to pull out of your ass on her show, does she ever call you Soozinator?
6. Do you have batteries in your eyes and this is why you look sort of glowy, in a she-gonna-go-postal way?
Let me know,
Marty the Janitor
1. Where did you go?
2. Do you still have the kind of beard that makes it look like you have a black, hairy apron on your face?
3. Who is the Tillerman? Are you with him?
4. Will you ever come back and play the Cerritos Center for the Performing Arts?
5. I heard you changed your name and if so, why? Didn’t you like the name “Cat”?
6. If you return do you think you’ll make the fatal mistake of going on Dancing With The Stars? (Not that you asked me but I think that would be very bad! Please don’t do that.)
7. I’m not the type of person to believe “the grapevine” but there are some people who say you have become a lunatic-ish recluse or some such nonsense and I was thinking, if that’s the case, you probably don’t have email so do you think you could give me your address?
8. If you had to choose between Smart & Final and CostCo, which would you choose? (I am aware that you didn’t ask me to weigh in on this but I find CostCo to have a very Planet of the Apes feel and I have never once managed to get out of there without either an oversized book on Porch Style I didn’t need or a 75 pound tray of blueberry muffins that are the size of small sofas. Has that happened to you?)
1. Since leaving, do you think Katie Couric has become a closet alcoholic or a closet binge eater?
2. When they planned that thing called Four Corners Of The World or whatever, do you think they decided that Al would have to go to Iceland because he is too fat to wear a bathing suit in Mexico and would probably have had a heart attack trying to climb Kilimanjaro? And how come Anne Curry doesn’t get to go to the Olympics or something. She is unbelieveable.
3. Why does Meredith INSIST on trying to create that We’re-A-Cute-Old-Bickering-Married-Couple thing with Matt? She will NOT leave him alone with the inane teasing. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate the banter and the back and forth jabs every once in a while but it’s like she stays up nights thinking of teasy things to say. Matt will say, “And now we’re going to Natalie who is covering the snowstorm in Butte, Montana.” and Meredith will blurt out, “BUTT! You said BUTT!! HA HA HA!! I’ll tell ya one thing Matt. You’re BUTT IS BIG!! HA!” And everyone just stares.
4. Will someone tell Willard Scott to shut-up? The whole insane “It’s Fun To Be 900 Years Old” is very bad marketing and I see a lawsuit coming.
Mrs. What Is A Crawfish?