Dear Mister Big Man of All Things,
Hey listen I know you’re just about as busy as the person in charge of keeping Victoria Beckham waxed and all but if you could find it in your schedy to remind me of my majestic parts I’d be forever indebted. And I’m not talking about Nobel Peace Prize winning or Astronaut To the Moon Riding kind of stuff—I’m just talking about those days when I wake up feeling full of light and I am able to carry that through until at least late afternoon. Or when I am able to carry on a loving conversation with my mother without taking the bait she propels out to me like some smarmy fly fisherman. I’m talking about how I wiggle into my majestic strength and serenity. How, at certain times, I am capable of letting the storyline go and I just drift along, unencumbered by grief or anger or resentment or tumult. Can you remind me of this? Can you help me notice those times when I am a heavyweight in my own corner, ready to take on the next challenge like some weightless angel in search of something plain and gorgeous, thank you amen you may be seated.
Yours In Selfie Selfersonism,
Teresa Tries Very Hard
Feet steadied directly below me, I raise my head and look out far, far beyond my immediate landscape and I can see the infinite beyond. What seems small from where I am standing is, I realize, large beyond my imagination and in my heart I find this compelling. The what ifs and how abouts and if onlys tend to fade away when I put them into context of the great wide expanse and when I do this it comes to me: I don’t know much. I may worry and fuss and wrangle with what I imagine to be truth but when it comes down to it I am just an observer looking up and out and wishing for cohesion—wishing and wondering about what the heck is in store for me.
Over the Hills and Far Away,
Lord lordy knows when the seasons change I howl at the moon. I anticipate the nights when I can’t sit out on the deck without my jacket on. I picture how my breath looks like smoke. I plan the ways in which I will unwind and forgive. I read and watch and look and write. I have big plans, I do, when it comes to Autumn flowing into Winter.
And I hibernate and rejuvenate and reciprocate, all the while planning my reorganization of my whirling swirling planet. I rid myself and check myself. I picture the smiling faces at Thanksgiving dinner. I look forward to those gloomy days when I will be forced to lift myself up. I preen and prepare conjure up a type of joy that will have some lasting effect on my doomsday mind. I cook new things, I take different walks and I always, always always listen to sweet music.
Gertrude of the Gravy
I have to work on joy. Cloud bursting, sky exploding, ephemeral joy. I tend to have tiny joy in my heart for minuscule things. Like the smell of coffee brewing in the morning when I am in bed. Or that feeling I get when my brain bursts open and one sentence leads to something worthy and then another and another. Or when I remember to put a notepad in front of my desk clock so it won’t keep me awake. Little things that are huge things. Awakenings. Observances. That moment when I feel the afternoon move into evening. My husband’s face when he’s telling me a story.
Let me stay in this moment—or for as long as it lasts. Let me know that each second compounds upon the other and my life moves along in that way that rivers flow sweetly. Let me remember when I forget, that the glorious small things are the things that I am drawn to, those gorgeous things are the things that keep me thriving and alive. And that’s good enough for me.
Yours In the Essence of Happy,
Dear Big Kahuna,
Listen I know you’re busier than Beyonce’s costume changer but if you could pencil me onto your calendar for a little Divine High Five in acknowledgement of the fact that I’ve — maybe 12 times out of 89 trillion — been able to see my way clear through the murky thoughts that make a worrisome stew out of my brain I’d greatly appreciate it.
It’s not that I need you to tell me that I have improved vision because, for the most part I’m all good on that front, but I would like to speak for all of humanity and say it’d be grand to get some encouragement from the heavens when we are able to find our way through the blurry nervousness that comes along with being alive and make our way out into the open onto the landscape of some gorgeous and life-affirming destination and say, confidently to ourselves, “Yep I think I got this. I’ll figure the rest of the journey from here.” And, at least for the moment, we get the firework feeling of being able to stand, happy, on our own two feet.
If It Isn’t Worth Searching For It Isn’t Worth Finding,