After years of compiling and researching and untangling and figuring out which Pringles taste the best, my team of scientists and I have finally come up with the profile of people who say, “Is it hot enough for ya?”
Primary personality traits/characteristics:
1. Wears tube socks with flip flops
2. Fan of Wheel of Fortune
3. American cheese Fondue lover
4. Thinks Climate Change is a liberal hoax
5. Toupee wearer
As you may or may not know I am a scientist that works with a team of men and women who eat red licorice. In the recent past we have been studying parking habits and have, after many bunsen burner experiments, come to the following conclusions about How To Park If You’re the Driver of a 90,000 Square Foot Winnebego:
1. When you steamroll into any parking lot, make sure to keep your speed under 80 miles per hour. Otherwise, you might startle innocents with cars of normal size.
2. If your Winnebego is the size of The Netherlands, take pains to snuggle into a parking spot that can accommodate your large behind.
3. Limit the amount of bikes you slap on to the back of your Winnebego to 36. This will help with the amount of space your small city protrudes into free space for other helpless humans who are simply trying to function and breathe.
4. Say you’re choosing a parking spot. Ask yourself: If I am five hundred thousand feet wide and the parking spot is 12 feet wide—is that a good fit?
5. Write yourself a post-it note reminder: I Am Not a Compact.
As you may or may not know, I am a scientist as well as an anthropologist and have recently discovered a document that contains some lesser known acronyms that were recently unearthed under that creepy 7-11 on Lincoln across from Staples. I thought they might be of some use to humanity so I am sharing them here:
Should I Get Bangs?
Have a Really Painful Ingrown Toenail, Can’t Meet For Drinks.
Laughing So Hard I Urinated On Myself.
I Can See Your Eye Teeth When You Smile Really Wide.
Weeeeeee! Making Cinnamon Toast.
That’s So Cool That You Wear Your UGG Boots Even Though It’s One Hundred Degrees In the Shade.
Did You Get a Facelift?
Your Cousin Seems Like an Alcoholic.
Don’t Go All Klaus Barbie On Me Now.
That Is So Funny It Makes Me Go Oh My God That Is So Funny.
I Don’t Care If You’re a Vegan, That Shade of Yellow Still Washes You Out.
Please Pass the Aged Himalayan Sea Salt.
Good Luck With That, Then,
I was listening to National Public Radio today and I heard a journalist interview a woman by the name of Deborah Snot.
I vowed to myself, right then and right there, that I will cease my belly achin’ about the fact that the string escaped from my sweat pants the last time I washed them, because lord knows things could be worse.
Nellie the Noticer
Since my side job is being a scientist I have, obviously, been hard at work collaborating with other special brainiacs who are interested in the world wobbling subjects I am, one of which is a compilation of people who should never marry certain people and use a hyphenated name. Here are the Top Ten:
1. News personality Connie Chung and tennis player Michael Chang
2. Actor George Clooney and comedian Paul Mooney
3. Comedian WC Fields and actress Brooke Shields
4. Actor Paul Schneider and actor Roy Scheider
5. Brutal Dictator Pol Pot and fashion designer Edith Head
6. Actor Zach Galiafinakis and musician Meshell Ndegeocello
7. Former First Lady Betty Ford and actor Harrison Ford
8. Actor Sissy Spacek and actor Kevin Spacey
9. Actor Joel Grey and actress Karen Black
10.Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger and scientist Albert Schweitzer