As Hollow Wienie approaches, I’ve arranged for Nancy the Ghoul to share her Five Essential Behaviors of Successful Goblins. Not that it really matters, but Nancy threatened to put a curse on my family if I did not pay her per second for putting this list together and only acquiesced when I threatened to take her off my door and throw her in the garbage, but I just thought that, as an FYI, that would add to the horror here.
Nancy the Ghouls Five Essential Behaviors of Successful Goblins:
1. Have a scary expression. Not an expression that is mildly unsettling but an expression that includes few teeth and an eerie Christina Aguilera on speed face.
2. Highlight your long string bean legs by wearing black clunky boots. This is a must.
3. If you have a pot belly make sure you wear a wide belt and hot pants to draw attention to this figure flaw. Bloat scares people. You’re supposed to be scary. Don’t forget this.
4. Keep your arms our wide at all times. This creates a menacing, murderer vibe and it’s what you should be going for.
5. Make sure your cape is flowy and breezy. It should freak dogs and children out simply because it moves with the wind even when you don’t.
When In Doubt Say Boo,
Nancy the Ghoul, MFCC, PhD, MD, DDS
As you may or may not know I have been researching sound to ear effectiveness with several teams of lanky scientists who subsist solely on Pringles and they, along with me and my Madame Curie input, have come to the conclusion that when you are watching a tennis match and you scream orders, wishes, prayers or instructions at the television like a wild baboon in pursuit of several wounded gazelles, there is a .005% chance that the players will hear you.
Just Because the Message Wasn’t Received Doesn’t Mean It’s Not Worth Sending,
Yolanda the Yeller
As you may or may not know, I am a scientist that spends loooooooong nights in the lab wearing a really cute lab coat and hip glasses kind of like Meg Ryan in City of Angels and I am relieved to say that I and my team of special scientist assistants are, at last, ready to reveal our findings regarding what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will most likely name their child:
3. Kapitalism (boy only)
4. Kitty Kat
6. Kris Kringle
10. Ken (girl only)
It may or may not be obvious to you that I am a scientist who works with teams of people that, collectively, abhor Spanx but that’s neither here nor there. The important thing is that the time has come for me to reveal vital and conclusive findings about what to do and say if you are stuck in line behind a really drunk person at the grocery store:
Options For Correspondence With Drunk Person In Grocery Store Line:
1. Examine the gum/candy display as if your life depended on it thereby avoiding any eye contact
2. Just keep going “Ohhhhhhh, Really?”
3. Just keep going “Wow?”
4. Just keep going “Hmmmm.”
Thadda ‘Bout It,
Abigail the Avoider
By now, you are probably aware that I am a scientist and I have teams of people wearing multi-colored helmets based on what will compliment their skin tone— most on several continents digging up research with their bare hands. The handy thing about having all these people doing research for me is that I don’t have to do a goddamn thing. Well, hold on, wait a second I take that back. I have to do SOMETHING. I have to be obstinate and argumentative and I have to refer to “MY TEAM OF ANTHROPOMORPHOSCIENTISTKICKASSES” for the reason that I am ….. right. Other than that I don’t have to do a teeensy thing except maybe reveal the ingenious findings that my team has unearthed on their latest metaphorical dig under my bathroom sink:
TOP FIVE THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR MATE. IN OTHER WORDS: NEVER SAY THESE WORDS IF YOU WANT TO STAY MARRIED/ALIVE:
1. Shut yer gob, puff pot.
2. Did anyone ever tell you you look exactly like Andre the Giant?
3. Yeah, So?
4. Is that you, honey? I can’t recognize you through your overgrown nose hair/back fat.
5. Let’s listen to REO Speedwagon again.
Tread Lightly and Tread Strong,