It may or may not be obvious to you that I am a scientist who works with teams of people that, collectively, abhor Spanx but that’s neither here nor there. The important thing is that the time has come for me to reveal vital and conclusive findings about what to do and say if you are stuck in line behind a really drunk person at the grocery store:
Options For Correspondence With Drunk Person In Grocery Store Line:
1. Examine the gum/candy display as if your life depended on it thereby avoiding any eye contact
2. Just keep going “Ohhhhhhh, Really?”
3. Just keep going “Wow?”
4. Just keep going “Hmmmm.”
Thadda ‘Bout It,
Abigail the Avoider
By now, you are probably aware that I am a scientist and I have teams of people wearing multi-colored helmets based on what will compliment their skin tone— most on several continents digging up research with their bare hands. The handy thing about having all these people doing research for me is that I don’t have to do a goddamn thing. Well, hold on, wait a second I take that back. I have to do SOMETHING. I have to be obstinate and argumentative and I have to refer to “MY TEAM OF ANTHROPOMORPHOSCIENTISTKICKASSES” for the reason that I am ….. right. Other than that I don’t have to do a teeensy thing except maybe reveal the ingenious findings that my team has unearthed on their latest metaphorical dig under my bathroom sink:
TOP FIVE THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR MATE. IN OTHER WORDS: NEVER SAY THESE WORDS IF YOU WANT TO STAY MARRIED/ALIVE:
1. Shut yer gob, puff pot.
2. Did anyone ever tell you you look exactly like Andre the Giant?
3. Yeah, So?
4. Is that you, honey? I can’t recognize you through your overgrown nose hair/back fat.
5. Let’s listen to REO Speedwagon again.
Tread Lightly and Tread Strong,
As most of you know I am a relentless and cheerful (mostly) scientist who works tirelessly with a team of specialists who happen to own the most effective Bunsen Burner around and, after years of research, we have finally cracked the code regarding WHAT TO DO IF YOU STEP IN DOG POOP:
1. Stare at the bottom of your shoe and go “No No. No!! No OH NO OH NO No!”
2. Consult the nearest clergyman
3. Stuff yourself inside your washing machine
4. Legally change your name to Mr/Mrs Stinky Von Stinkerson
5. Break open your Roth IRA and hire the Dog Poop Whisperer
Wendy What the Hell Is That Smell?
Hey listen I know that there’s been a LOT of research and books and game shows and talk shows and surveys and litmus tests and Googling and Personality Infusions and Match Makers and Dos and Dont’s and Rules and Red Flags To Look For and Affirmations and Dream Boards and Manifestation Festivals and Background Research and Gut Instinct and Aura Cleansing and Colon Flushing done in order to find a GOOD MATE but let me just tell you—a team of never not working scientists have finally narrowed Potential Good Mate Material down to a few categories:
#1 — NEVER rude or mean to waiters/waitresses
#2 — NEVER EVER EVER EVER tries to swerve car in order to hit helpless, wayward birds in the road
#3 — Says “What happened?” periodically
#4 — Has no fur vest in wardrobe
#5 — Eyes are facing in the same general direction that yours are
#6 — Imbues you with the vague feeling that life is nice or at least has the potential to be
#7 — Interrupts during arguments (proves actually is human)
#8 — Gives you the foreign feeling that there’s a minuscule chance that maybe you’re great
If It’s Not a Crap Shoot It’s Not a Partnership,
Professor Who the Hell Knows
As you may know, I have been involved in some death defying research requiring special ladders, night vision goggles and submarines and, although this frightening work is in no way close to being finished, here are the initial findings regarding what is inside Christina Aguilera’s gigantic bazooms:
2. All the unpaid parking tickets that ever existed
3. Lots of poofy lint
4. Several small tropical islands
5. Jimmy Hoffa
Over and Out,