All posts in Things I Like More Than…

Things I Like More Than Hobby Lobby

1. Mulch up my butt
2. Being the goalie for Brazil in the game against Germany
3. Knitting needles plunged into my pupils every morning
4. Parachuting with an “antique” parachute
5. Nails in my eardrums

Things I’d Like More Than Going To See “Ghost—The Musical”

1. Clorox enemas
2. Making out with Mitch McConnell
3. Having to start my car with my feet, like the Flinstones used to do
4. Pine needles up my nostrils
5. Being forced to wear only velvet

Things I Like More Than Greek Yogurt

1. Spackle tartar
2. Barbecued juniper needles
3. Asphalt pie
4. Stir fried nails
5. S’mores made with cotton balls instead of marshmallows

Things I Like More Than Donald Sterling

1. A pitchfork armed mob trying to stab me while I sleep
2. Wearing high-heeled shoes that are two sizes too small
3. Having my nose reshaped by a wrench
4. Discovering vicious cougars in my pantry when I go to fetch the brown sugar
5. Being hung from the Empire State Building by my eyelashes

Things I Like More Than Ted Nugent

1. Taking a scalding hot jacuzzi in cheese fondue
2. Being hung by my nose hairs from the top of the Washington Monument
3. Barf smoothies
4. Carrying a family of angry possums on my back across the Gobi Desert
5. Terrariums in my earlobes