All posts in This Is Me If…

This Is Me If I Were Barbie and Someone Just Told Me I Have To Drive a 1975 Fiat Stick Shift With My Welded Together Finger-Hands

barbie“But how will I maneuver the Taco Bell drive-thru?” I say, in a language that only other Barbies and Standard Poodles can hear.

This Is Me If I Were An Equestrian That People Compared To Willie Shoemaker

People thought it not possible.

People thought the era of ultimate turbo graceful speed was over.

People said “Ah hell, place the bet. It’s not like we ain’t got money to burn.”

People thought they’d never see the likes of the magical pairing of one jockey with one horse that made a man believe in God again.

And then they saw The Mysterious Fleece Wearing Equestrian on her growth-impaired stallion.  And their souls were filled with merciful, blazing hope again.

Fer Pete Sakes On Fire In Flames Alive Look At ‘Em Go,
Thadeus Thoroughbread

This Is Me If I Were An Indie Folk Musician

This is me on the cover of my album Peace Fart, a musical interpretation of that feeling you get when you’re in a quiet restaurant and you have very bad gas. I’m standing in front of my Vornado fan and reading Gandhi on the album cover (when am I NOT reading Gandhi?!) and I am clutching my trusty pink Buddha who I believe is responsible for my catapult to fame. I take Her with me everywhere. Her name is Mrs.Kookypants. I also happen to be picking my nose. That’s what free spirits do.

The name of my solo band on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays is Cloud Insults and on Tuesdays and Thursdays I am simply known as Most Vaginas Are Kind. The weekends see me touring yard sales and gas stations and on those afternoons I call myself Wounded Parking Meter.