Hi. I’m Anthony Weiner’s weiner and here is my To-Do List:
1. Wake up feeling slouchy—wonder why Anthony always makes us stand up straight.
2. Confirm makeover appointment at Nordstorm. Need to find the right shade of foundation!
3. Attend “How To Smile On Command and Under Pressure” workshop in the alley behind house.
4. Nap for half an hour with cucumber slice on eye to reduce dark circles. Maybe find a low brimmed hat?
5. Finish second draft of memoir, Handsome Like Me.
Hi. I’m a grape and here is my To-Do List:
1. Wake up in the morning rolling downhill—remember to get new helmet
2. Attend “Avoid Injury From Fire Hose Strength Faucet Rinsing” class in left side of sink
3. Stockpile more gunpowder in preparation for tummy explosion when eaten
4. Buy snorkel for submersion in low-fat yogurt parfait
5. Check on grandma’s condition at bottom of colander
Hi. I’m the cow on Laughing Cow products and this is my To-Do List:
1. Wake up and start smiling, wonder if I’m going insane
2. Work on suggestion letter to marketing team (What does a cow wearing whorish dangly earrings have to do with cheese?)
3. Get map to underground Frown Rave from Bessie
4. Order Grin Damage face ointment online (need hoof-friendly computer!)
5. Attend Laughers Anonymous meeting
Hi. I’m a Fruit Fly and here is my To-Do List:
1. Wake up and stretch, wonder if I’ll always be so hyper
2. Practice dive-bomb speed, shape shift agility and nostril penetration
3. Google Map Quest for directions to cocktail party near $14.99/lb Whole Foods peaches in kitchen
4. Attend Minuscule Insect Forum; get tickets for “Be an 1/8 of an Inch—Be an Annoying Powerful Crazy Maker” lecture
5. Purchase xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx small helmet from CostCo
Hi. I’m a Tupperware Lid and here is my To-Do List:
1. Wake up and change positions; find the nearest corner to get wedged in
2. Attend Top Five Thousand Habits Of Highly Annoying Things workshop in the spice drawer
3. Find and make amends with the magenta Ziploc top I called a two bit whore
4. Work on shape shifting in preparation for any dumb, pie in the sky attempts at organization (practice resistance posture!)
5. Finish final draft of memoir, Lids Who Run With the Wolves: Reclaiming Joy Inside a Drawer