As you may or may not know, I am a scientist that spends loooooooong nights in the lab wearing a really cute lab coat and hip glasses kind of like Meg Ryan in City of Angels and I am relieved to say that I and my team of special scientist assistants are, at last, ready to reveal our findings regarding what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will most likely name their child:
3. Kapitalism (boy only)
4. Kitty Kat
6. Kris Kringle
10. Ken (girl only)
Sometimes when I watch the TV and I see the Cardinals and Archbishops trying to decide on the Pope I get a little worried that they’ll choose my neighbor Lenny who likes to leave broken coffee machines and various glass bird figurines strewn about his yard and when I wonder about this I think, well, it’s all in God’s hands, right? It will be up to the Pope Picking Panel whoever they choose but do you think they’ll take into account that Lenny listens to 78 gazillion trillion decibel rave music at 7:30 in the morning or do you think they’ll just focus on his innate ability to tend to every feral cat that wanders through the neighborhood?
—Pretty Much Petrified in Portland
614. Leather pants on men over 60
615. That thing that happens when you try to open one of those sheer plastic bags in the produce section and it doesn’t open and you try the opposite side and it is sealed shut and you try again on the side you just tried to open and it is as if glue is holding it together and you’re rubbing it together as if your life depended upon it and then you just decide to not get green beans
616. What “SALAMAND LEFT!” meant during fourth grade square dancing
So, I totally applied to be the new Pope and let me just say that there are A LOT of VERY SERIOUS RULES involved if you want to be Mister Pope. Here are, like, the first dozen of the entire list of fifty-five thousand Being The Pope guidelines:
1. YOU CANNOT ENTER A DREAM HOUSE RAFFLE. EVER!
2. You can’t take The Pope Mobile camping
3. You can’t say “Sod Off” to clingy Archbishops
4. You can’t tell little children with the light of love in their eyes who have come to you for salvation that if they REALLY want salvation they should stop picking their noses
5. You can’t complain about your bridesmaid outfit
6. You can’t drink mai-tais, pina coladas or white russians until you pass out on the sidewalk anymore
7. You have to dislike many groups of people on the earth that don’t abide by your restrictive rules
8. YOU CANNOT WATCH DANCING WITH THE STARS, DOWNTON ABBEY, DUAL SURVIVAL OR HONEY BOOBOO. EVER!
9. You can’t have your own apartment
10. You have to curse Rachel Maddow to hell
11. You can’t ask your assistant to go get you gelato all the time
12. YOU CANNOT HIGH-FIVE. EVER.
Rita References Available Upon Request
596. Whether or not Sandy Duncan will still be playing Peter Pan when she’s five hundred years old
598. People who turn into off-putting LIMBO HYENAS at beach parties