All posts in Posts That Refuse To Fit In

Monday Charades

I’m going to do an imitation of something and you guess what it is, ok?
Here we go. What am I?

DEAR SO AND SO,

HELLO! HOW ARE YOU. DID YOU KNOW THAT 9 GAZILLION HUNDRED THOUSAND PIGEON TOED SENIOR CITIZENS LOSE THEIR SHOES EVERY DAY? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON’T LET THESE SENIOR CITIZENS GO SHOELESS. PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER KNOWN IN ORDER FOR THE ELDERLY TO KEEP THEIR PRECIOUS ZAPATAS.

IF YOU DON’T TAKE THE TIME TO FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND YOU ONLY FORWARD THIS TO:

ONE MILLION PEOPLE—YOU WILL JUST BARELY ESCAPE A LIFE LIVED IN THE GUTTER, BEGGING FOR SCRAPS OF LEFTOVER BACON

ONE THOUSAND PEOPLE—YOU WILL BE KIDNAPPED BY THE MAFIA AND SERVE AS THE MAID TO A HIDEOUS DRUG LORD WHO HAS AN OBSESSION WITH CLEAN TOILETS

ONE HUNDRED PEOPLE—YOU WILL LOSE YOUR EYES WITHIN TWO WEEKS

ONE PERSON—YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST CASE OF GAS ANYONE HAS EVER HAD. IT WILL BE LOUD, STINKY CESSPOOL GAS AND YOU WILL HAVE THIS SONIC BOOM GAS AT YOUR WEDDING AND ON YOUR HONEYMOON YOU WILL BE TAKEN HOSTAGE BY ANGRY NATIVES AND THEY WILL USE YOU AS THE MAIN INGREDIENT IN THEIR STINKY HUMAN STEW

SO FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW, OKAY! AND DO THIS WITHIN THE NEXT THREE MINUTES OR YOU’LL BE FUCKING SORRY :)

Ok, that is the end of my imitation and your entire clue.
What am I?

Saturday Public Service Announcement


IF YOU DON’T THROW IT, WHO WILL?

Sunday Science Segment

Just as the red corvette containing the sun damaged wrinkly body of a 65 year-old man never fails to startle, so does the poop brown coffee mug with magenta, green and orange polka dots ruin the taste of any hot beverage poured inside it.

Wake up people. The package matters.

The Cupcake Resolutions

I’m serious this time. As Marjoe is my witness, I vow to be, do, change, stop, cease, start, overhaul, think, marinate, embroider, stop lying about the following in 2010:

1. When I recklessly cut someone off in traffic while I’m talking to my sister on my cell phone about Tiger Woods and the driver I cut off gets all furious at me because I almost caused a five car collision and I CANNOT BELIEVE how tense that driver is and then four blocks later some ASSHOLE swerves in front of me so I almost rear end them and I’m sure I see them TEXTING and think Where Is a SWAT Team Member When You Need One?and I do a Joe Pesci death sneer to that careless driver with the hope that they spontaneously combust because of their selfish STUPIDNESS—It is this hypocritical vortex I hope to put an end to in 2010

2. More Cauliflower, less Chunky Monkey

3. Forget about trying to figure out Alec Baldwin’s hair

4. Accept that I do not look good in hats

5. Say I AM SPARTACUS more

Yours in overflowing hope for nicey nice,
Gerard from the Graveyard Shift

Sunday Lecture

If you think you are an adult and you can’t be bothered with magic and all that horseshit about Santa Claus then RIGHT NOW I want you to put on your happy shoes, sprint to your automobile, drive to the closest market, pick up a quart of Haagen Dazs Dulce De Leche and eat a good portion of it while you watch something intriguing on television—perhaps a documentary or a segment of 60 Minutes or an old musical—and then tell me you do not know what PEACE ON EARTH is.

Keep Your Eyes On The Prize,
Dean of Unsettled Joy