Yesterday, I was doing a particular form of exercise in Santa Monica called The Stairs— which are comprised of six flights of 20 stairs each and people from all walks of life come from far and wide to do them but mostly the people that do them are those Angelenos who are so body obsessed that when they are exercising they have this look in their eyes that says Must Keep Running So Butt Doesn’t Sag and they run and run and run as if a pack of wild jackals is chasing them.
So as I was slowly and meticulously working on my first ascent, I overheard the following conversation between two women on their way down:
Lady #1: (really mad) Well, she says she’s off gluten but I happen to know that she ate almost all the potato chips.
Lady #2: Potatoes don’t have gluten, though.
Lady #1: (growling) But she still ate too many. SHE ATE ALMOST ALL OF THEM IF NOT ALL OF THEM. I SAW HER.
Then as I was on my descent I passed them again on their way up and their conversation had progressed (I suppose that’s what you’d call it) to another arena:
Lady #1: She said she was going to wait to tell him. She hides things from him.
Lady #2: I think he’s been out of town.
Lady #1: (hissing, wild-eyed) She doesn’t like confrontation. She says she’s going to tell him and she doesn’t. Did I tell you she said she’s vegan now? She is NOT vegan. She eats dairy.
Lady #2: Hhhhuuhmm. I think she’s easing into it.
Lady #1: (Raging, Rush Limbaugh-esque ) You don’t EASE INTO being a vegan. You either are or you aren’t AND SHE IS NOT A VEGAN. SHE ATE POTATO CHIPS. SHE ATE ALMOST ALL OF THEM. She’s a fake. SHE ATE CREAM CHEESE.
Wow, I thought, I wonder if the third renegade potato chip addict woman knows what a ruckus she’s causing in the lives of her two pals and I wonder if she knows her life may be in danger. Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:
WHEN IT COMES TO GLUTEN, DAIRY AND BETRAYAL—SOMEBODY’S BOUND TO END UP DEAD.
Proceed With the Utmost Caution,