Friday Conclusion

This afternoon, before the wind whipped up into a frenzy that would prevent Cooper and me from taking a walk along the bluffs up above and alongside the shiny blue ocean in the Palisades we stood at the stop sign that, if I must be honest, IS THE MOST CONFUSING AND ASSHOLE ENGENDERING STOP SIGN IN ALL THE UNIVERSE.

There are about 89 trillion options at this particular corner that leads to this space in the universe that is filled with:
bikes
old ladies
old men
joggers
trainers
speeding motorists
distracted texting models
large muscular men attempting to pounce upon the distracted models
dogs
cats on leashes
crazy homeless people
elderly tribes of Middle Easterners carrying food coolers
weight lifters
sun bathers
lone females reading under trees
confused maintenance lawn mower guys

And so as Cooper and I sat, obediently, at one of nine corners that converge at the spot that takes you across the street and to the strip of wide lawn that overlooks the ocean we were VERY mindful to look to the left and then look the the right and when we saw that the coast was clear—when we were sure that it was our turn—we marched across the street as fast as we could.

Until we got halfway.
Until we were .000098ths of a millimeter in front of the horn of a Porsche that honked so loud I thought for one second that I might have lost The Coops, he jumped so high out of his skin, as the Porsche owner screamed at the top of his male pattern balding lungs: YOU HAVE NO CLASS!!!

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT CLASS? ¬†WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS GO COOL YOUR SWEATY BALLS ON THE SOOTHING SAND THAT NESTLES UP TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN UNTIL YOU THINK YOUR TEENSY DOGGIE TESTICLES MIGHT ACTUALLY BE SMILING AND WRITING IN THEIR JOURNAL—-THEN, AND ONLY THEN, CAN YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT CLASS.

Your Horn Is Your Penis,
Commander Coolio Coolmeister

11 Comments on "Friday Conclusion"

  1. claudia w says:

    Whatajerk! That’s why he is driving a Porche…he’s trying to prove something that isn’t.

  2. OMG, I don’t think I am going to be one bit ready for Saturday Slobber Love.
    This is too much.
    Too much being a GOOD thing.

  3. MidLyfeMama says:

    This makes me ANGRY. A friend of mine and her precious, sweetest most gentle soul of a child I have ever met got hit by a Mercedes driving leaving the scene of the crime asshole not too long ago while they were walking on the sidewalk outside of a CVS. Fortunately neither of them was terribly hurt although the mental anguish is probably going to be longstanding. Entitled overcompensating fancy car driving jerks are SO IRRITATING.

  4. The Farmer says:

    I’m wondering if that isn’t just a little bit insulting to doggie testicles?

    PS I hope you got his license plate # and sent it to the The Mayor.

  5. Could you possibly have mis-heard him screaming:
    YOU look beautiful today lady and I’m an ASS!

  6. The Mayor says:

    I believe the Porsche dealers are required to certify that you are an asshole with a midget penis before they sell you a car.

  7. I would have stuck out my ass in his direction and waved it around. Then given him the finger as I yelled, “I BET YOU MASTURBATE ON YOUR PORSCHE!!!”.
    That would have showed him. Wish I were there.

  8. Coop, you certainly have riled folks up.

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