Mom Likes To Look Pretty

The other day my mom was tormenting me about why she couldn’t find the fucking Revlon lipstick shade she wanted at Albertsons and I made the mistake of suggesting that possibly she could find a lipstick shade that was almost the shade that she wanted.

Revlon #002.  Pink Pout. That’s her shade.

Making the suggestion to go with #004 or, ironically, #007 was not an option for my mom.  She likes #002 because she doesn’t look good in shades that are not of a pinkish hue.  #002 is the perfect pinkish mauve tint for my mom’s skin tone.  She has always prided herself on her creamy complexion.

It is very important to her that she looks pretty.

At a certain point during the Revlon #002 Incident, after I suggested a Plan B (Stupid. I should have known. My badass mom does not believe in Plan B’s. Ever. It’s like Plan A or Go straight to hell you moron.)—after I suggested Horse’s Ass Plan B and she started cursing about how screwed up Albertsons is and I was getting a little nervous that someone nearby might hear us  (which only made her raise her voice What do you care what these morons think?) I took a stand and told her we just needed to forget about #002 for now and get another shade.  Period.

I mean, what is happening right now is that they do not have Pink Pout #002 and I can’t change that.  I am not a lipstick shade buyer for Revlon. Even though she thinks I should be if that’s what she needs.

A woman across the aisle stared at me as if to say: Mean Daughter.  I wanted to tell the woman that  I’m not mean at all.  She’s got it turned around.  I wanted to tell her that my mom was the mean one.  Like, more mean than probably she could imagine and that if she wanted to spend some time with my mom she’d see in no time:  This woman is really mean.

But I didn’t say anything because my mom was already on to another item on her shopping list:  pens.

My mom goes through so many pens because she spends a lot of time writing awful letters to people.  She writes them on little yellow legal pads that come in handy 3-packs.  One time at the store the legal pads were not in the usual spot and my mom blew her top.

Jesus Christ.  Are they insane?

She meant that the management of Albertsons must be insane to move anything.  Assholes.

She is so badass.

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