Monday Charades

I’m going to do an imitation of something and you guess what it is, ok?
Here we go. What am I?

DEAR SO AND SO,

HELLO! HOW ARE YOU. DID YOU KNOW THAT 9 GAZILLION HUNDRED THOUSAND PIGEON TOED SENIOR CITIZENS LOSE THEIR SHOES EVERY DAY? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON’T LET THESE SENIOR CITIZENS GO SHOELESS. PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER KNOWN IN ORDER FOR THE ELDERLY TO KEEP THEIR PRECIOUS ZAPATAS.

IF YOU DON’T TAKE THE TIME TO FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND YOU ONLY FORWARD THIS TO:

ONE MILLION PEOPLE—YOU WILL JUST BARELY ESCAPE A LIFE LIVED IN THE GUTTER, BEGGING FOR SCRAPS OF LEFTOVER BACON

ONE THOUSAND PEOPLE—YOU WILL BE KIDNAPPED BY THE MAFIA AND SERVE AS THE MAID TO A HIDEOUS DRUG LORD WHO HAS AN OBSESSION WITH CLEAN TOILETS

ONE HUNDRED PEOPLE—YOU WILL LOSE YOUR EYES WITHIN TWO WEEKS

ONE PERSON—YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST CASE OF GAS ANYONE HAS EVER HAD. IT WILL BE LOUD, STINKY CESSPOOL GAS AND YOU WILL HAVE THIS SONIC BOOM GAS AT YOUR WEDDING AND ON YOUR HONEYMOON YOU WILL BE TAKEN HOSTAGE BY ANGRY NATIVES AND THEY WILL USE YOU AS THE MAIN INGREDIENT IN THEIR STINKY HUMAN STEW

SO FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW, OKAY! AND DO THIS WITHIN THE NEXT THREE MINUTES OR YOU’LL BE FUCKING SORRY :)

Ok, that is the end of my imitation and your entire clue.
What am I?

6 Comments on "Monday Charades"

  1. linlah says:

    I'm fairly sure you're my mother sending me an email.

  2. Dawn in Austin says:

    No, Linah, definitely my father-in-law sending me an email. Then he calls me two hours later to make sure I read it, because it's important, dontchaknow.

  3. Little Girl Big Glasses says:

    I think you should post it as your facebook status. But only if you're of strong moral constitution.

  4. Meg at the Members Lounge says:

    Would it be an acquaintance (not to be confused with an actual FRIEND) that is obsessed with chain mail?

    Oops, I should have 100 years of bad luck by not forwarding it along.

  5. Cupcake Murphy says:

    YES! The correct answer is Obsessive Chain Mail although all of the answers were appropriate-ish.

  6. Twisted Susan says:

    Aunt Maryann?

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