Monday Judgements and Warnings

I type this with a heavy heart. Not so much because I am heartbroken but because I know that the message I am about to deliver will, in turn, break YOUR heart. No matter who you are. No matter what type of car you drive. No matter what political party you belong to. No matter what the color of your skin or hair or grouting is. No matter what size shoe you wear. Or even if you don’t wear shoes. Or even if you are the type of person who, regardless of the weather, wears only sandals.

You see, what I am about to tell you is something so devasting and sad that I am not sure you will be able to handle it. Like, you know how when you pour your cherished Kashi Autumn Wheat cereal into a gorgeous white bowl and you chop up some banana into perfect little half inch cubes and you lovingly wash off some blueberries so that you have a bowl of nirvana in front of you and you lurch, drooling and wide-eyed, for the fridge door and you throw it open and grab the Almond Milk and you realize, in horror slow motion, that there IS NO Almond Milk and you have a few frantic moments in your rodent brain where you consider what water might taste like on cereal but then you just have to come to terms with the fact that life is arduous and frequently wrong?

What I’m about to reveal to you is worse than that.

But before I tell you, please remember not to shout at the messenger. Or don’t shoo away the messenger. Or whatever that saying is. Don’t hate me for telling you that:

THE RADICALLY CUTTING EDGE SEX POT FIGURE SKATER JOHNNY WEIR GOT MARRIED ON NEW YEAR’S EVE AND IS NOW OFFICIALLY OFF THE MARKET

There. I said it.

Soon, possibly, you’ll stop sobbing,
Mrs. I have no further comment and I hope you’ll respect my privacy during this difficult time

8 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. Lora says:

    ha!

    I love the new space, congrats on the new URL!

  2. The Zadge says:

    First Daniel Craig, now Johnny. I’m devastated.

  3. My sincere sympathies.
    Also, the new website is pretty.

  4. Stamping my feet. And sniffing at the same time!