Monday Judgements and Warnings

RED ALERT! I don’t have much time to talk because the sitch-ee-ay-shun has gotten treacherous, but I’ll give you a rundown on what is happening, so pay attention because what you are about to read may save your life.

You know how the Republican nominee hopefuls are always cryin’ the blues about how much they hate The Illegals?  And they’re always all gung-ho about how much they agree that all The Illegals should be shoo’ed on home to whatever village they came from but they can never agree on HOW to do it? Well, it seems that they may be inching closer to a solution (I think Newt Gingrich actually pulled it out of his ass but it may have come from the right hairy earlobe of Mitt Romney) and that solution is called SELF-DEPORTATION and it is catching on quicker than you can say George Wallace so you better look alive and you better look alive quick.

I don’t care if your entire family is PURE SWEDISH. I could give a hoot if you were born in a shire, deep in the forest where no non-white people have ever ventured and it makes me no nevermind that you pride yourself on your complete and total WASP heritage. NO ONE IS SAFE.

Great-great-great grandniece of John Adams? Not safe.
Related to the woman who gave George Washington that whimsical flip in his snow white hairdo? Totally unsafe.
Dated a guy who was obsessed with watching anything related to Christopher Columbus? In danger.
Have Norse Gods in your Family of Origin? Run for your life.

No American is immune. You need to accept that you must start thinking about HOW, exactly, you are going to DEPORT YOURSELF.

For starters, you need to find the nearest suitcase, gym bag or backpack (if you have several children you can use some of your reusable grocery bags) and you need to get the hell IN the suitcase, gym bag or backpack and then you need to waddle/crawl/drag yourself to the nearest bus stop and GET THE HELL OUTTA DODGE MISTER because it is only a matter of time before you realize the first item on your To-Do List last month WAS to Self-Deport yourself and then it will be too late.

You think I’m kidding, I can tell. Well, let me just tell you that, as I type this IMPERATIVE message in order to help save your soul, I am scrunched up like a pillow pet inside one of those giant yellow bags from IKEA, getting ready to roll myself down the street against my will and board the shuttle bound for How To Be Whiterville and I suggest you immediately make plans to do the same.

Now stop yer bellachin’ and get your boney knees into this stuff sack,
Petula Patriot

2 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. I need to wrap myself in a hobo sack and get on a trawler to Ireland.