Monday Judgements and Warnings

You can try to fool yourself about being a kind of nice person that’s going to breeze into heaven like Beyonce but, in the end, there will be a PANEL OF PEOPLE with the sole purpose of judging your Good Deedness and Open Heartedness and How Often You Recycled AND ACTUALLY LIKED ITness and you can think Oh, Oh, Ok Wait! Lemme See, Ok, I think I’m good! I think I got this covered! but let me to tell you that you would be 250% VERY WRONG about this particular end of life equation because on the Judging Panel is a person designated to track your actions at Whole Foods and whether or not you EVER! — even if it was ONE FUCKING TIME — did NOT bring your own bag and if you did NOT? Well, just make sure you pack a fire retardant bathing suit because YOU my friend are going straight to HELL.

Paper or Lucifer?
Asshole Ursella of the Unforgiven

14 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. The Zadge says:

    What if you brought your own bag every single time, but once, just once, when they asked you whether you’d like to “keep or donate the bag credit,” you said, “I want to keep that freakin’ dime, brotha”?

  2. PJ says:

    I am filled with shame when I forget my own bag. And you know what? I don’t particularly care for ITness. Shall I pack my flame retardant flip flops, too? And furthermore? EarthFare doesn’t even give bag credits anymore because it is no longer considered a virtue but an expected behavior, like not licking the conveyer belt. You don’t get a dime for that, do you?

  3. Cupcake Murphy says:

    Pack EVERTHING flame retardant and lick the conveyor belt AND the shopping cart just to be safe however I’m still quite certain you will go to Hell.

  4. oh,oh, oh…….stop. I am so glad I was not gulping my cuppa tea when I got to the gist of this…….cause I know it would be coming out my nose.
    and btw, I’m toast.

  5. The Farmer says:

    I’ve been using the new toilet paper without the inner cardboard tube and I have to say I am feeling pretty damn good about myself. I think we all know where I’ll be heading…hello Beyonce.

  6. MidLyfeMama says:

    Do you watch Portlandia? On the Bravo network. It is hilariously funny, really. They poke fun at all that is wonderful and strange about Portland OR. One episode had our intrepid hero trying to buy items at a local food co-op and he didn’t bring his own bag. And they didn’t have any plastic ones. Nor, apparently, any reusable ones for sale, which is how I have 12 blue and yellow Ikea bags in the back of my car. I never remember to take them in with me and they don’t have ANY plastic bags any more, so I buy new ones…but I digress. The lack of a bag left our hero a social pariah, being soundly mocked by the store clerk and glared at by the other patrons who very righteously brought their bags in. It was just a little too close the the truth.

    • Cupcake Murphy says:

      Portlandia is like crack to me (or how I picture a crack addict feels about crack) I can’t wait to see that episode!

      • Cupcake Murphy says:

        p.s. I have the same problem with forgetting and then buying yet another one. I’m going to make a parachute with all of them.

  7. I think Beyonce will be going straight to hell because her hair and ass are way too amazing. Watching the fantastical flames of her bleached weave catching on fire is something I CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH.

  8. OH…also, when my best friend moved to Portland, OR she very quickly learned that NO ONE shops without their own eco-friendly bags. If you don’t, you get some serious stink eye.

    • Cupcake Murphy says:

      They also can’t pump their own gas. What gives with that?

      • MidLyfeMama says:

        DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THE GAS PUMPING SITUATION. Too late. I am started. Note: I am a Yankee, born and bred. I live outside of Boston. I move through life like I have just had a high octane coffee transfusion. I know I have an issue with things moving more slowly than I would like. That being said, much of my family lives in Oregon. I cannot even tell you the pain, the physical and mental pain, it causes me to sit, thinking “I would be done by now, paid, pumped and GONE, by now, if I could do this myself” while waiting for the dude, it is always a dude, pump gas. And slooooooowly walk to the window to take whatever form of payment, god forbid change or a credit card is invovled, and it always is, and slooooooowly walk back to deal with that. The state’s rationale for this is they feel they are preserving jobs by making all gas stations full service. I feel they are actually participating in some sadistic scientific study where they are somehow checking your blood pressure while you wait for Slowhand Luke to finish up. Maybe there is a brain scan going on, looking for possible aneurisms. They must love me.