Monday Judgements and Warnings

Oh you can go on all you want about how you have subscriptions to Architectural Digest and Detail and UTNE that will last until a comet collides with planet Earth.  And you can bandy about names like Cornell West and Rachel Zoe and Carl Sagan and Richard Ford and the guy who invented Bikram Yoga.  And you can quote Marianne Williamson and Common and Thich Nhat Hahn and you can ramble on about how much you spend on intricate violet and sienna textiles you have shipped from Bali directly to your house in The Palisades as if no one else in the room or world or universe existed.

But just know that I SAW YOU.

I SAW YOU GET ALL SWEATY AND WIGGLY WITH “WHAT THE FUCK?” WHEN YOU TRIED TO PRONOUNCE SUR LA TABLE.

I’m Gonna Need Back Up,
Detective Darcy Don’t
Phony Baloney Precinct
Shut Yer Trap Division

7 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. Yeah, dude. I also saw them get all sweaty and wiggly at the Whole Foods because they forgot their earth-friendly bags.
    And then they also let their dog crap in my front yard and they didn’t know I was watching them out the front window…and when they walk by tomorrow with their very special cockapoo, they are going to see a new sign in my front yard that says, “Pick up your shit, please.”

    • Cupcake Murphy says:

      You saw them. You were a silent, as-kind-as-they-could-hope-for witness. But also, you shoot get a pellet gun.

  2. I am rolling on the floor……good one Cupcake, GOOD ONE.
    Utne reader…..HA!!!!!

  3. Cupcake Murphy says:

    WHY!? could you not have been there to see it? Next time. Hopefully.

  4. Howling Robin says:

    Bless you cupcake, you’ve reminded me, once again, that I am not alone. If we can’t laugh about the people we want to slap but can’t, what are we? Pissed off and miserable, that’s what. Namaste, baby.

  5. It’s my fervent wish that person gets electrocuted in a freak accident with their enormous David Yurman bangles.

  6. MidLyfeMama says:

    I love getting my heavy duty French accent on just for this circumstance.