Word up homies. AS USUAL, I have entered into the Valley of Danger and I have returned, in order to tell you that if you MAKE THE BIG FAT FUCKING REGRET FILLED MISTAKE of engaging with the overly talkative, fairly tragic-vibing Trader Joe’s guy who you’ve had your eye on since you saw him weeping by the trashcan in the parking lot—if you think OH! I know what I’ll do! I’ll ask him a QUESTION. I’ll ask him for ADVICE about this little Pinot Noir here, see what HE thinks.
And then NINE YEARS LATER, after your family has put out an All Points Bulletin regarding your whereabouts, after you start to wonder if your shins are collapsing from standing in the same spot so long, after you realize that some people like to use the word “vehicle” instead of “car” too much, after you try to give other shoppers your most hysterically silent HELP ME expression, after you think you wouldn’t mind if someone threw tear gas into the aisle where you are standing, after ALL THIS, you come to know that sometimes when you THINK you see crazy but you aren’t SURE if it’s crazy and then you TELL YOURSELF, Oh no it’s just lonely, I think I’ll offer my nice, good spirit…
AFTER YOU TELL YOURSELF ALL THIS—make sure to tell yourself something else, Homey Sister Cousin Wives. Make sure to tell yourself: ON SECOND THOUGHT, DON’T.
What? Who? Me?,
Darcy Don’t Make Eye Contact