Monday Judgements and Warnings

Word up homies. AS USUAL, I have entered into the Valley of Danger and I have returned, in order to tell you that if you MAKE THE BIG FAT FUCKING REGRET FILLED MISTAKE of engaging with the overly talkative, fairly tragic-vibing Trader Joe’s guy who you’ve had your eye on since you saw him weeping by the trashcan in the parking lot—if you think OH! I know what I’ll do! I’ll ask him a QUESTION. I’ll ask him for ADVICE about this little Pinot Noir here, see what HE thinks.

And then NINE YEARS LATER, after your family has put out an All Points Bulletin regarding your whereabouts, after you start to wonder if your shins are collapsing from standing in the same spot so long, after you realize that some people like to use the word “vehicle” instead of “car” too much, after you try to give other shoppers your most hysterically silent HELP ME expression, after you think you wouldn’t mind if someone threw tear gas into the aisle where you are standing, after ALL THIS, you come to know that sometimes when you THINK you see crazy but you aren’t SURE if it’s crazy and then you TELL YOURSELF, Oh no it’s just lonely, I think I’ll offer my nice, good spirit…

AFTER YOU TELL YOURSELF ALL THIS—make sure to tell yourself something else, Homey Sister Cousin Wives. Make sure to tell yourself: ON SECOND THOUGHT, DON’T.

What? Who? Me?,
Darcy Don’t Make Eye Contact

12 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. The crying was a warning, goofball.

  2. Cupcake Murphy Cupcake Murphy says:

    You THINK that but it was the kind of crying that seemed understandable. I know you don’t believe me. Hell, after all I’ve divulged, who would? But I swear to Sally Jesse Raphael, he didn’t seem psycho.

  3. claudia w says:

    You can’t judge a book by it’s weeping cover!

  4. The Zadge says:

    Thank god you didn’t do this at a Walmart.

  5. Midlyfemama says:

    Bahahahahahaha. This is why I don’t talk to people. My mother will start a conversation with ANYONE. Seriously. You cannot take her anywhere unless you build in an extra hour just for the cashier’s granddaughter graduation story, the nice anecdote by the lady taking pictures at the aquarium and the lady at the drive thru coffee place who wants to know where we are from that we won’t ever visit a Dutch Boys coffee place again.

    • Cupcake Murphy says:

      That’s how my husband is when we decide we’re leaving somewhere. I’m in the car and he’s still regaling people with hilarious tales.

  6. This is exactly how I feel about my neighbor across the street.

  7. Donna says:

    Dear Cupcake
    I’ve been gone from this blog for awhile – nothing you said or did – just life, work and the black hole of thinking I had to curate my life by ‘pinning’ things on ‘boards’.
    This post is exactly why I’m back.
    Sign me –
    Wouldn’t Make That Mistake Again

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