Monday Judgements and Warnings

Believe it or not, I’ve gotten access to Kanye West’s journal (I know! The guy journals, go figure) and I found the most informative entry to contain the details that led to his decision to proclaim Kim Kardashian his Perfect Bitch.

July 5, 2012
Dear Diary,

Feeling kind of blue so I think I’ll riff on the criteria that needs to be met in order to be my perfect bitch (all items non-negotiable):

1. Gets drunk and throws darts at my Taylor Swift poster with me.
2. Calls Jay-Z and Beyonce “Milli Vanilli” behind their backs.
3. Says “NUN UH YA G.D. BID-NEH BEE-YOTCH!” when the check out person asks “Paper or Plastic?”
4. Kicks anyone’s ass who mentions my Marlon Brando Godfather chipmunk cheeks.
5. Asks Hillary Clinton if Primary Colors was about her pantsuit wardrobe.
6. When stuffing Jessica Simpson in wood chipper, eyelashes and hair still stay perfect.
7. Karate chops people in back of knees who don’t clap hard enough at my concert.
8. Won’t cuddle babies who don’t have french manicures.
9. Gives Paris Hilton hemorrhoid cream for Christmas.
10. Goes to the front of the line even when there is no line.
11. Sits pretty, stays on command.

Oh God I Hope I Find Her Soon.

6 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. The Zadge says:

    I’d comment but I’m too busy laughing my non-Kardashian ass off. Number 5 SLAYED me.

  2. MidLyfeMama says:

    I had to say #3 outloud to get it.

    You have a strange and wondrous mind.

  3. I know number 11 is mandatory. You are amazing.