I recently made a vow to God, My Own Soul and Deepak Chopra that I was going to read the fucking back issues of O Magazine I have stacked on a bookshelf that was starting to resemble a barn silo.
Things have been going along quite fine—I’m learnin’ a few things here, havin’ a coupla AHA! moments there BUT when I cracked open the January 2012 issue I came across an article that listed YOUR BIGGEST DRESSING DILEMMAS…SOLVED!
And crap if I didn’t feel about as bewildered and frightened than I’ve ever felt when I read what The Problems were:
Turkey Neck — whatever
Muffin Top — yeah, yeah, yeah
Pooch — oh pooch pooch
Armpit Fat — oh for chrissake
Bat Wings — good lord do I need to find a zoo keeper to speak to about this?
Chub Rub — a special bbq medley to slather on skirt steak? No?
Mom Butt — what if you’re not a mom and you have mom butt? do you need to use your bat wings to fly to another sector for childless women with mom butts? Or maybe they could just be called Chub Butts
Cankles — who cares about cankles when you have bat wings
Back Fat — Just look at yourself in the mirror ONLY from the front—that would work right?
Double Boobs — Too confusing
As you can see I have many questions and feel quite a bit in the dark so I am currently investigating a Learning Annex Workshop to learn more about, specifically, Chub Rub and obviously BAT WINGS because it is only a matter of time that there are going to be fines incurred for any infractions of the Really Bad Fashion Problems I’ve listed above.
What Am I, Chopped Liver?
Nancy Nine Chins