Monday Judgements and Warnings

I recently made a vow to God, My Own Soul and Deepak Chopra that I was going to read the fucking back issues of O Magazine I have stacked on a bookshelf that was starting to resemble a barn silo.

Things have been going along quite fine—I’m learnin’ a few things here, havin’ a coupla AHA! moments there BUT when I cracked open the January 2012 issue I came across an article that listed YOUR BIGGEST DRESSING DILEMMAS…SOLVED!

And crap if I didn’t feel about as bewildered and frightened than I’ve ever felt when I read what The Problems were:

Turkey Neck — whatever
Muffin Top — yeah, yeah, yeah
Pooch — oh pooch pooch
Armpit Fat — oh for chrissake
Bat Wings — good lord do I need to find a zoo keeper to speak to about this?
Chub Rub — a special bbq medley to slather on skirt steak? No?
Mom Butt — what if you’re not a mom and you have mom butt? do you need to use your bat wings to fly to another sector for childless women with mom butts? Or maybe they could just be called Chub Butts
Cankles — who cares about cankles when you have bat wings
Back Fat — Just look at yourself in the mirror ONLY from the front—that would work right?
Double Boobs — Too confusing

As you can see I have many questions and feel quite a bit in the dark so I am currently investigating a Learning Annex Workshop to learn more about, specifically, Chub Rub and obviously BAT WINGS because it is only a matter of time that there are going to be fines incurred for any infractions of the Really Bad Fashion Problems I’ve listed above.

What Am I, Chopped Liver?
Nancy Nine Chins

11 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. The Zadge says:

    “Chub Rub” sounds like a synonym for “Spanking the Monkey”, if you know what I mean.

  2. Cupcake Murphy Cupcake Murphy says:

    People with unhinged craniums thought up the names for all that crap.

  3. claudia w says:

    ROFLM*MOMBUTT*O @ Zadge.

  4. PJ says:

    Oz irks

  5. MidLyfeMama says:

    It is amazing 80% of the world has the gumption to walk out the door in the morning, considering everything that is wrong with the human body.

  6. I had an AHA moment when I realized I should only look in mirrors from the front and while turned *just so*.
    Then I tried walking around like that in public so that when Us magazine catches me for my candid photo at Whole Foods they can’t say PIPER FLAUNTS HER BACK FAT!

  7. Howling robin says:

    Bat wings? Is that the same as “Bingo Wings”? Yeah, I got those. And, seriously, what IS a chub rub?

    • Cupcake Murphy says:

      I’m not positive but I think Bat Wings is when you can’t stop hanging upside down from your top pantry shelf.

  8. Ladies, all we really have to do is watch our hemlines after 40.