Hey, yeah, so I just spent the last ninety billion hours of my life making a “Baked Shells With Winter Squash” recipe that I chose from Martha Stewart’s cookbook GOOD FOOD, FAST! and DAMN if that ex-convict didn’t get her descriptions all screwed up about how to cook this MOTHER OF ALL DISHES.
First of all, the prep time is specified as 10 minutes AND I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT because I think Martha forgot that, although SHE LIES THROUGH HER GLUE GUN TEETH and says it’s easy peasy to bake some squash and puree it, MAY I SAY THAT NOTHING IS FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.
But Martha wouldn’t know about truth because, in her estimation, this whole stroke inducing escapade is supposed to take 50 minutes. FIVE-O. 1,2,3,4,5! Zippydo this is only gonna take ten minutes times five. MARTHALIAR. Takes Five MILLION times ten minutes.
And keep in mind that Martha forgot to tell everyone that you need to prepare this beast IN THE NUDE because when a human body sweats and is confined in drenched from perspiration clothing: HYPOTHERMIA. You won’t see Have Seizure and Die on the ingredient list because Martha Raffia Ribbon Brain left that part out. DECEIVER MARTHA SMOKING HER PASTRY PIPE WITH HER CHICKENS IN THE COOP AND FORGET TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS MARTHA—I’m on to you.
Chef Cheryl With the Machete