Monday Judgements and Warnings

Hey, yeah, so I just spent the last ninety billion hours of my life making a “Baked Shells With Winter Squash” recipe that I chose from Martha Stewart’s cookbook GOOD FOOD, FAST! and DAMN if that ex-convict didn’t get her descriptions all screwed up about how to cook this MOTHER OF ALL DISHES.

First of all, the prep time is specified as 10 minutes AND I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT because I think Martha forgot that, although SHE LIES THROUGH HER GLUE GUN TEETH and says it’s easy peasy to bake some squash and puree it, MAY I SAY THAT NOTHING IS FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

But Martha wouldn’t know about truth because, in her estimation, this whole stroke inducing escapade is supposed to take 50 minutes. FIVE-O. 1,2,3,4,5! Zippydo this is only gonna take ten minutes times five. MARTHALIAR. Takes Five MILLION times ten minutes.

And keep in mind that Martha forgot to tell everyone that you need to prepare this beast IN THE NUDE because when a human body sweats and is confined in drenched from perspiration clothing: HYPOTHERMIA. You won’t see Have Seizure and Die on the ingredient list because Martha Raffia Ribbon Brain left that part out. DECEIVER MARTHA SMOKING HER PASTRY PIPE WITH HER CHICKENS IN THE COOP AND FORGET TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS MARTHA—I’m on to you.

Zest This,
Chef Cheryl With the Machete

7 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. The Zadge says:

    It takes Martha’s staff 10 minutes to cross the 15 acres from the servant kitchen to the Queen Felon’s dining room with the meal they prepared. That’s why it’s called “Ten Minutes! Faster!”

  2. Cupcake Murphy Cupcake Murphy says:

    It was quite delis, though. Even though Martha is a ho.

  3. Martha is not my kind of girl.

  4. claudia w says:

    I can just see the look on Martha’s face if you were to confront her with this in person. It kind of cracks me up, in a good way!!!

  5. Hilary says:

    I just read this to my husband, cause he desperately needed a morning laugh.

  6. MidLyfeMama says:

    A) CROCK POT. You put all that winter squash minus seeds and skin all chunked up in a crock pot, put on high and walk away for 4 -5 hours. Spend that time doing other extremely useful things like napping, knitting, reading, or snuggling Cooper. Later, open crock pot, mash with potato masher or immersion blender.

    B) DO NONE OF THAT IN THE NUDE. Well, what you do regarding napping, knitting, reading or snuggling in the privacy of your home is your business. BUT! Squash that has been in a crock pot for 4-5 hours is like molten lava. You do not want that shit getting on your naked anything. Mash or blend with caution.

    The squash, as prepared above, will also freeze nicely for future use in more stuffed shells, or ravioili or as soup. Put in freezer bags or other freezable container of choice.

    C) prepare the rest of the recipe per Martha’s misleading instructions. Send invitation to MidLyfeMama for dinner.

  7. I’m gonna stick a winter squash right up Martha’s un-photoshopped behind.