Monday Judgements and Warnings

I don’t want to screw with anyone’s glitter splattered dreams but I must tell you that, unbeknownst to most humans, there were actually ELEVEN Commandments.

The story goes that the eleventh (and some say the most important) commandment got lost in the shuffle due to, well, all the shuffle that was going on back then. And many witnesses that were relaxing in lawn chairs reading when Moses parted the Red Sea say that he had indeed just come from getting a massage at a shit hole called Massage Envy and was looking for another spa where he might get some relief for his right shoulder that was constantly in pain because of that heavy stick he carried.

He was so furious with the massage therapist at Massage Envy (“I should have KNOWN from the name of the place!” he could be heard yelling) that he decided to add something about his unsatisfactory experience to the list he had going about all the things that drove him nuts:

THOU SHALT NOT FREQUENT CHAIN MASSAGE PLACES LOCATED IN STRIP MALLS

7 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. The Zadge says:

    Oh Baby Jesus of Bethlehem, thank you for shedding the light on the awfulness that is Massage Envy. I almost filed a police report for assault after a massage there. I needed a massage to recover from the pain of that massage.

  2. claudia w says:

    I don’t have massage envy anymore

  3. Hilary says:

    Weather index is killing my head today, otherwise, I would laugh out loud.
    Massage envy.

  4. Peeps, thanks for saving me from myself. Desperate after move and will seek out
    a “real” place to help combat the pain.

  5. Moses didn’t mention Mashed Potato Envy, did he?

  6. MidLyfeMama says:

    There are very few people I will let touch me in any way whatsoever, and even fewer if I have to take off any clothing, so really, the 11th commandment was somewhat superfluous for me.

  7. PJ says:

    Going to defend my girl, Jessica, at my Massage Envy. I couldn’t keep moving without her. And she is HALF the price I was paying at my previous “real” masseuse. I drove by that place for years and went another 20 minutes down the highway to get less for twice as much.