Monday Judgements and Warnings

By now, it must be fairly obvious that, eventually, every person on earth will have to be in a relationship with Taylor Swift. For some people, this reality sounds great, no big deal, it’ll pass quickly and then they can get on with their life. But for others, the thought of being in a partner arrangement with Big Ol’ Open Book Crafty Lyrics is enough to make them want to live with the Blue Men of Moracco, forever wandering the desert with piles of poop perched atop their head.

THUSLY! Here are Five Things You Can Do To Ensure You Don’t Have To Be In a Relationship With Taylor Swift:

1. Wear bangs that are heavier than hers and then challenge her to bang competitions every day
2. Drink lots of booze and vomit on her
3. Introduce her to your friends as “Stretch The Freak”
4. When she’s singing, BOO her really loud
5. Tell her that you never worry about not being able to go on a romantic cruise because you can use her feet as His ‘N Her yachts

The Lady Be Hungry For Love,
Tim the Terrified Suitor

8 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. The Zadge says:

    Tina Fey had it right at the Globes: Swifty just needs to give it a rest!

  2. Hilary says:

    I love this…….for some reason she has annoyed me from the get go. She’s talented, I give her that, but something about her just rubs me the wrong way.
    Please don’t taylorize me…..please, please.

  3. Just say no to serial dating. She is the poster child for it.

  4. PJ says:

    If you live in a cave and don’t even know who she is or what she looks like are you protected? Like, you know, you can’t catch a virus you’re not exposed to?
    Hopefully,
    Head in a Book or Tube of Paint

  5. I want to add that Taylor Swift is a great babysitter. I can put the headphones on my 3-year old and plant her in front of “We are Never Ever Getting Back Together” on YouTube and she will be mesmerized for at least 40 minutes.