Monday Judgements and Warnings

So, I totally applied to be the new Pope and let me just say that there are A LOT of VERY SERIOUS RULES involved if you want to be Mister Pope. Here are, like, the first dozen of the entire list of fifty-five thousand Being The Pope guidelines:

1. YOU CANNOT ENTER A DREAM HOUSE RAFFLE. EVER!
2. You can’t take The Pope Mobile camping
3. You can’t say “Sod Off” to clingy Archbishops
4. You can’t tell little children with the light of love in their eyes who have come to you for salvation that if they REALLY want salvation they should stop picking their noses
5. You can’t complain about your bridesmaid outfit
6. You can’t drink mai-tais, pina coladas or white russians until you pass out on the sidewalk anymore
7. You have to dislike many groups of people on the earth that don’t abide by your restrictive rules
8. YOU CANNOT WATCH DANCING WITH THE STARS, DOWNTON ABBEY, DUAL SURVIVAL OR HONEY BOOBOO. EVER!
9. You can’t have your own apartment
10. You have to curse Rachel Maddow to hell
11. You can’t ask your assistant to go get you gelato all the time
12. YOU CANNOT HIGH-FIVE. EVER.

Good Luck!
Rita References Available Upon Request

12 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. You have my vote! Hey, what do you think you’ll choose for your special Pope Name? (I do think Karl Ratzinger did well in choosing “Benedict XVI,” but it’s pretty tough to top “Pope Cupcake I.”)

  2. claudia w says:

    Pope Cupcake I has a nice ring to it!

  3. Hulk Even those heathen Baptists... says:

    Number 8 should be a life rule for all people…

  4. EVERYONE gets to complain about the heinous bridesmaid outfit they once had to wear.

  5. MidLyfeMama says:

    The one positive thing I can say about the job posting for Pope is that being in your mid 60′s is considered YOUNG. “Applicants under the age of 50 need not apply”.

  6. PJ says:

    But apparently this one was allowed to sing, “Take this job and shove it.” and give two week’s notice. I would have thought neither was allowed so maybe we should hold the above 12 loosely, too.

  7. The Zadge says:

    Is Mickey Rourke applying too? Because wasn’t he the Pope of Greenwich Village?

  8. Bummer. I was really hoping . . .

  9. Willi says:

    Found you through your Lifehacker story. Experienced this last year, except before that I also quit two jobs. Three jobs in one year is just exhausting…oh and I moved, got engaged and married. :-/

    I admire your very quirky blog. You’ve got yourself a new follower.

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