So, I totally applied to be the new Pope and let me just say that there are A LOT of VERY SERIOUS RULES involved if you want to be Mister Pope. Here are, like, the first dozen of the entire list of fifty-five thousand Being The Pope guidelines:
1. YOU CANNOT ENTER A DREAM HOUSE RAFFLE. EVER!
2. You can’t take The Pope Mobile camping
3. You can’t say “Sod Off” to clingy Archbishops
4. You can’t tell little children with the light of love in their eyes who have come to you for salvation that if they REALLY want salvation they should stop picking their noses
5. You can’t complain about your bridesmaid outfit
6. You can’t drink mai-tais, pina coladas or white russians until you pass out on the sidewalk anymore
7. You have to dislike many groups of people on the earth that don’t abide by your restrictive rules
8. YOU CANNOT WATCH DANCING WITH THE STARS, DOWNTON ABBEY, DUAL SURVIVAL OR HONEY BOOBOO. EVER!
9. You can’t have your own apartment
10. You have to curse Rachel Maddow to hell
11. You can’t ask your assistant to go get you gelato all the time
12. YOU CANNOT HIGH-FIVE. EVER.
Rita References Available Upon Request