Monday Judgements and Warnings

Memo To Humanity:

I saw a fashion-overall-attitude-vibe look today and I THINK I’m going to call dibs on it. I haven’t decided yet but I thought I’d dispatch a memorandum toot suite so all of you were aware that I am, in essence, calling shotgun on the following outfit/hairstyle/aura:

THE TIGHTEST, squishiest, corset-like black skinny jeans that make my legs look like No.2 pencils attached to GIGANTIC barge-ish clodhopper grey rubber tennis shoes. The tennis shoes appear to be housing things other than toes, arches and feet. Maybe a small farming community? Or they look like they could be used to carry the Space Shuttle from its ninety eight story silo to the launch pad. My hair is, how do you say? ratty, wispy, awful, the texture of horror—like the feeling you get when you think someone might be following you down a dark alley, just overall FRIGHTENINGLY FRIZZY but gathered together an inch above the end of all of it with a rubber band so it looks like I have a head the shape of a sixty pound ostrich egg. My shirt/s (it’s unclear how many pieces of clothing and dish towels I have on the top part of my body) are multi-layered and plaid, surprisingly. My look involves LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND INFINITY AND THE SQUARE ROOT OF PI TIMES PLAID. I am on a bike that was built for a toddler and when I squat down to ride across the crosswalk with my mean looking friends I like to stop and stare at the innocent terrified drivers waiting for to move on. But I don’t move on. I wait and I glare and I shake my ostrich egg ponysprout and then I pedal away like an unhinged firefly with bad intentions.

Like I said I have dibs on this look and attitude. I saw it in action and, although it was a gentleman who looked to be in his late teens, I think —- no, I KNOW — I could pull it off.
So if you were thinking of imitating this style trend, back off, it’s most likely mine.

I Exist To Alarm,
Grown Up Boy On Toddler Bike

6 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. PJ says:

    Did he yell, “Hey! What you lookin’ at, Lady?”

  2. I can relate to the texture of horror.

  3. MidLyfeMama says:

    “…like an unhinged firefly with bad intentions” is now and may forever always be my favorite description of that very particular angry/crazy state of mind. Too small and lacking any means of biting or stinging with which to do any real damage, one is left imagining the level of rage and frustration this crazy, angry little bug with only a flashing lightbulb of an ass to express itself must experience.

    It is perfect.