Monday Judgements and Warnings

Hello. The following is an excerpt from the seminar I used to give entitled What To Do If You Step In Dog Poop While Wearing Flip-Flops. It was a week-long seminar that involved many tears, screams of terror and (rarely) a seizure or two.

What To Do If You Step In Dog Poop While Wearing Flip-Flops:
1. Assess the situation.
Is the poop on your heel and has it squished up your ankle? Make note of this and make sure you are close to a hose.
2. Don’t Panic.
I know this goes without saying but panicking will just make things worse. If you can, disrobe completely and make an effort to avoid finding the dog and owner of dog that has thrust you into this stinky situation. This will do no good.
3. Figure Out Your Cleaning Strategy.
The reality is that your heel and possibly entire foot and shoe are covered in dog poop. As soon as you can, get these awful facts through your horrified brain. Then, as soon as you can, figure out how you’re going to get the poop off. As mentioned before, an outdoor hose will do the trick with the least amount of trauma but just say you’ve discovered the feces AFTER you’ve entered your home, the best thing to do is to hop to the sink and rinse your poop foot off while at the same time poofing Ajax everywhere within three feet of your poopy foot.
4. Know That Your Life Will Return To Normal Someday.
It may not be now or next week or even next year but someday you will not have a poop stained foot and you will feel like a normal person. Keep your mind on this thought—that someday you will be stink and poop free.
5. Never Again Take Your Eyes Off the Ground That You Tread.
Many survivors have said that this is the most valuable piece of poop advice that I have given. Wherever you go, whatever you are doing, part of your poop-stained brain MUST be aware of where your footsies are walking. Are you on grass and is there a chance that you might step in poop again? Is there a chance that the park you are joyfully running in might have a pile of dog poop that you might schplotz in like an unaware camel? Make sure you are vigilant and make sure you are aware. This will help you avoid future poop disasters.

Best Of Luck and Godspeed,
Penelope the Poop Professor

5 Comments on "Monday Judgements and Warnings"

  1. It is said there is a professor for everything. You are positively the Professor of Dog Poop Accidents. Congratulations. And watch where you step.

  2. Sarge says:

    i’m going to type this all in small caps because i don’t want anyone to accuse me of being an ex-zadge-erator or anything but where is david remnick and why hasn’t he signed you to permanently write for the new yorker and could it be that he has not read your stuff and does not yet know WHAT A GENIUS THE CUPCAKE IS AND GO AHEAD AND PUBLISH HER NOW GODDAMNIT REMNICK?!!! whoosh, sorry, got carried away. but this shit is genius, ‘cake. It is.

  3. Oh, Professor, how I wish I’d attended your seminar BEFORE the neighbor’s wily Corgi started digging out and coming over to my yard to do his business. Last year I threw away a pair of Birkenstocks after a step-in emergency because I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT STEP #2. Professor, I panicked. And I didn’t know about #4. But sure enough, just as you say, my life is beginning to return to normal. It comforts me that someone has studied this and understands.

  4. Mary says:

    My therapist and I discuss your posts. Not all of them. Just the ones with deep shit.

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