My Morning Walk

On my morning walk I saw men playing soccer and it reminded me of my own disastrous futbol career with The Roadrunners when I was ten years old and had the body shape and density of a leaf.  I remember that the entire time leading up to and during any game, my one and only thought was WHERE IS JULIE TUBBS?

Julie Tubbs was a sixth-grader on an opposing team who had the demeanor and stature of Lou Ferrigno as The Hulk. I don’t think I’ve ever been as terrified of anyone or anything as I was of Julie Tubbs. Not only had she terrorized me at Woodlake Elementary by giving me Indian burns when I didn’t perform to her liking on the kickball field, she also made a habit of calling me String Bean when I’d be unfortunate enough to pass her in the hall. Over time I developed a kind of Julie Tubbs sonar that enabled me to ping her location—like a low-tech GPS tracking device with a signal consisting of an intense case of stomach knots if she was within five hundred miles.

But during the ill-fated Roadrunner Era my sonar was completely useless because, on the rare chance that Coach Wingate would put me in the game, I’d just be standing there, alone, doing my best to uphold my fullback position without fainting and Julie Tubbs would come barreling toward me like a mobile home with legs and a look on her face that said YOU’RE DEAD and I remember at a certain point I just came to terms with the fact that nothing—not sonar, not athletic talent, not a move out of the country, not even god could save me from the menace that was Julie Tubbs.

I honestly do not know how I made it through in one piece.

When In Doubt, Run,
Camilla Coward

9 Comments on "My Morning Walk"

  1. The Farmer says:

    You might want to reconsider that morning walk.

  2. Cupcake Murphy says:

    Did Julie Tubbs put you up to that?

  3. PJ says:

    …like a mobile home with legs. Single wide or double wide?

  4. I went to East Lake Elementary.

  5. My fave was Mr. Persons.

  6. The Farmer says:

    Our high school principal’s name was Mr. Dickoff and he had a testicle face. You know the sort.
    Sorry to bring your post down to such a base level, but I NO KIDDING.

    • Cupcake Murphy says:

      Mister Cupcake’s high school’s gymnasium had the unfortunate moniker of Muff Gym, after the beloved coach Paul Muff.