Sunday Secret


One of the first things that happens to me when I whoooosh past the line that separates Normal Person Behavior from Worrying Monkey Behavior is that I forget that there is space. I COMPLETELY do not remember that there is air and sky and earth and wide open prairies and gigantic mountain ranges and lemon zest. I simply disavow the fact that there are planets and stars and galaxies that surround us.

I become absolutely convinced of UNvastness.

What a lovely feeling. Were it a color it would be a violent shade of mud and it would be the consistency of ARGUE. It would, were it to come to life, have fangs coming out the top of its head and it would be wearing a heavy jacket made of mildew.

The only reason I’m telling you this is because I know it. I know it so well that if I passed it in the cereal aisle at Whole Foods I’d recognize it’s creepy cleft chin as it breezed beyond me on the way to revolting.

I’m also telling you this because I wanted you to know that every time I am in the surgical clamp grip of Angsty Hideous I am lucky enough to have a picture of what the OPPOSITE of that feeling is and EVERY SINGLE TIME I DO THIS I see a crazy little bird PEELING through the sky in such a way that thanks the sky for being the perfect blue color in order to remind the analytical lunatic that it really does exist.

Up Yours,
Birdie Baumgartner

18 Comments on "Sunday Secret"

  1. It takes a lot of work to keep within sight of normal.

  2. PJ says:

    …heavy jacket made of mildew…I’ve smelled that go by.

    I wish I had read this before I did my evening sit tonight and sat perfectly still, breathing and seething for the entire 25 minutes. Never done that before. I wish I’d had the image of the bird before I set that timer. Nice. Thanks, Cupcake. You are the cuppiest cakiest of all Cupcakes.

  3. The Zadge says:

    The Farmer had a cat named Birdies. I never did ask her the last name, but I’m betting it was Baumgartner.

  4. I’m acquainted with that Angsty Hideous fellow. Lemon zest gets rid of him most times. If not, gigantic mountain ranges do the trick.

    LOVE “the fangs coming out the top of its head” and the mildew jacket. That’s the culprit, all right.

  5. Catalyst says:

    “I COMPLETELY do not remember that there is air and sky and earth and wide open prairies and gigantic mountain ranges and lemon zest.”

    A mind that can conjure up a sentence like that should absolutely have no angst.

  6. Catalyst says:

    Or is that “…should have absolutely…”?

  7. Yeah, when the gears get spinning, its hard to convince them to stop. It takes me a long time to slow down and fall asleep….

  8. Beth says:

    I have been wanting to comment for a while…but I tend to be cowardly. When I read your blog I think “Cupcake and I could totally be twins…except I am a Republican”. Love what you write. And my beagle mix has a huge crush on Cooper.

    • Cupcake Murphy Cupcake Murphy says:

      As long as we don’t have to wear matching jodhpurs I would be honored to be your twin. Thank you for your nice comment!

  9. One time when my stepsister was fourteen she was standing on the boardwalk in Corpus Christie, just hanging out in her bikini and trying to look cool. And then a seagull dropped a hot poop from fifteen feet up and it splattered the right side of her face. She said it burned.
    Just thought you should know.