Sunday Secret

PainIsScary

My experience with my own pain has been terrifying at times.  I think this is because of my tendency to dwell in What If?  What if this horrifying scenario happens?  What if the slightest harm should come to my immediate tribe—my niece, my nephew, my sister, my brother-in-law, my mate, my dog, my best friend and her little tribe—her children, her husband, my sister’s best friend who I’ve known my whole life.

It scares me to imagine losing any one of these sturdy people even after I’ve lost my dad and still survived.

My fear of pain and my fear of losing the ones I love is selfish. It’s a pain and a fear anchored in the longing to keep those people who know me, see me clearly and love me anyway, here with me, encouraging me to continue on despite my ruthlessly worrisome mind. Despite my odd and annoying idiosyncrasies that test their patience. Despite my thin skin. Despite my tendency to take the whole world personally in moments. Despite all of me, they choose to keep me close and this makes me feel so worthy, so lucky.

Maybe that’s why walking through the world with the mission of opening up as opposed to closing down is so incredibly frightening. Because you can lose your net at any moment. You can lose your ground at any time. And as you go on you realize that no matter how large your support system is that you’ve pieced together the whole thing is plain and solitary and inward and no matter what or who or where or why—are the circumstances of your life—the only thing you can rely upon is your own heart beating and your own spirit knowing that the only reason you’re here is to wake up and soften, no matter what.

Yours In Only the Occasional Suit of Armor,
Sissy the Sentimental Soldier

13 Comments on "Sunday Secret"

  1. Hilary says:

    Fear is the worst.
    That’s when I get back to the acceptance thing.
    Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
    When I am in acceptance mode, fear can’t touch me.

  2. I trust that I’d learn how to get through anything although it might take me a while.

  3. Kelli Hoogerland says:

    Can’t begin to tell you how much I take away from your posts. Today’s and the previous day’s in particular have resonated with me. You states things so eloquently, yet so truly. Thank you.

  4. MidLyfeMama says:

    I could be wrong, because lord knows it has happened before, but I think the lovely part of opening up, of looking out, forward and all, means, for most of us, the net expands. The more people holding that net, the less risk that if one of us has to let go for any reason, the net isn’t able to support you in your time of need. It stands stronger for having broadened your horizons, letting new people in.

    Turning inward, closing down, only leaves you alone, to fight those fears and battle the inevitable disappointments of life by yourself. Because life doesn’t stop being stupid just because we put our hands over our ears and close our eyes and hum really loudly. I tried it. Life was still there, waiting to be both disappointing and wildly uplifting. It is just that at the same time you are trying to avoid the ugly, you miss the beautiful. I am now choosing to embrace the beautiful with all the gusto I can muster, and be bouyed by it so I can hopefully weather the crap that will undoubtedly come. And strengthen my net as much as possible with good, hardy people with sturdy and capable dogs.

    • Cupcake Murphy says:

      You could be wrong but you aren’t. You’re eloquent and wonderful and hilarious and I’m not just saying this because of our Cooper Connection.

  5. Beth says:

    Dear Cupcake-
    I feel this deep to the very marrow of my bones…that we are actually twins separated at birth even though we have different birth mothers and birthdates. I totally relate to what you wrote today…..

    • Cupcake Murphy says:

      Twin Beth: thank you for relating. It makes the typing of what’s in the brain over here totally worth it. p.s. you can have my mom if you want, no big deal. But she’ll probably hate you. She hates everyone that doesn’t buy her cashmere.

  6. Oh, Cupcake. Don’t be scared to lose people. Because we always will. Not to get all universe/philosophical/psuedo-religious on you, but we will find each other again when we’re done.
    And I will meet you for a margarita and make a rap video with you.