The Cupcake Lessons

Greetings fellow seekers.  Thank you so much for removing your shoes prior to entering this sacred space.  Thank you also for taking your seats while maintaining your holy vow of silence in order to hear what your inner guide has to whisper to you (I mean how in the world do you expect to hear your inner guide over the din of the ceaseless thought circus that has taken up residence in your head?  You will never be able to understand Reba McEntire’s chipmunk face so GIVE. IT. UP.)

Now, as we get settled on our mats, I want us all to remember how divine we all are. I want us to know our golden worth even if we yell curse words at each other if we SO MUCH AS SUSPECT that the other bastard is trying to horn in on the parking spot we feel we have co-created. We are precious children of god.  We…are that. We are that and this and them.  AND we are here to learn What To Do If You Fart In Yoga Class.

Yes.  Welcome.

Now, one might think that the proper thing to do if you fart in yoga class is to act like farting in yoga class is perfectly normal—a behavior to revere, even.  Like somehow your limber anus is better than all the other closed anuses in the room and the fact that you passed stinky gas while you were bent over and your butt was facing OUT instead of DOWN the way it normally is somehow makes you a braver person or a freer person.  One would be wrong to think this.  One would be—how do you say in Sanskrit?—waaaaaay ego centric.  Too, too, too much of a weirdo.

So! Here are the Internationally Approved Guidelines regarding What To Do If You Fart In Yoga Class:

1. Say you’re sorry
2. Say “Excuse me”
3. Say “Oops”
4. Make a sad face to convey that you feel bad and embarrassed and that you understand that what you have done causes others to suffer. And this makes you sad. Not happy and proud.
5. Make a promise, out loud, to never forget your butt cork again

Cornelia Come On!

4 Comments on "The Cupcake Lessons"

  1. The Zadge says:

    Pardon me, but in my family, we call them “Barking Spiders” and I actually think there is a new Bikram pose named after it where, if you don’t, ahem, bark, the rest of the class realizes you have not reached full eternal enlightenment. But you smell better than the rest of the smelly, sweaty idiots.

  2. linlah says:

    A fart is like perfume, just a lingering statement that you were there.

  3. Suzanne says:

    I’m laughing to hard to find something witty to say. Thank you!

  4. I respect the good in you, Namastinke. Does this give new meaning to the third eye?