After years of solemn and upsetting research I am ready to reveal my earth shattering scientific conclusions regarding Which Is Worse — Hat Hair or Bicycle Helmet Hair? For the FIRST TIME EVER I am releasing my revolutionary notes, painfully scribbled in various journals during my years of research observing concerned participants that proved, once and for all, that Bicycle Helmet Hair is way, way, beyond worse than Hat Hair.
Hat Hair Findings:
1. FLAT like the Mojave Desert; is that you in there, behind all that FOREHEAD? Who can be sure.
2. Terrible crease mark above your eyebrows. Did someone write on you with a butter knife?
3. Bowl Head Phenomenon. Were you wearing a salad bowl? People might be suspect.
Bicycle Helmet Hair Revelations:
1. Wolverine Urine Head; when did an animal relieve itself on the area above your face? We may never know.
2. Somehow you’ve lost your eyes. Is this unnerving? Maybe so, but let me wonder aloud if you don’t mind, were you born without eyelashes?
3. The Helmet should be re-named The Ugly Maker
4. Sweaty bangs appear to morph into vines of terror arranging themselves like prostitutes near the temples. How can this be fixed? I don’t think it can.
5. There seems to be an odd Mariana Trench sized petroglyph approximately three inches above the bridge of the nose. Consult Johns Hopkins regarding this.
6. Note to self: include “Do Not Attend Breakfast Out After Bike Riding and Wearing Helmet” warning?
Over and Out,