The Cupcake Lessons

After years of solemn and upsetting research I am ready to reveal my earth shattering scientific conclusions regarding Which Is Worse — Hat Hair or Bicycle Helmet Hair? For the FIRST TIME EVER I am releasing my revolutionary notes, painfully scribbled in various journals during my years of research observing concerned participants that proved, once and for all, that Bicycle Helmet Hair is way, way, beyond worse than Hat Hair.

Hat Hair Findings:
1. FLAT like the Mojave Desert; is that you in there, behind all that FOREHEAD? Who can be sure.
2. Terrible crease mark above your eyebrows. Did someone write on you with a butter knife?
3. Bowl Head Phenomenon. Were you wearing a salad bowl? People might be suspect.

Bicycle Helmet Hair Revelations:
1. Wolverine Urine Head; when did an animal relieve itself on the area above your face? We may never know.
2. Somehow you’ve lost your eyes. Is this unnerving? Maybe so, but let me wonder aloud if you don’t mind, were you born without eyelashes?
3. The Helmet should be re-named The Ugly Maker
4. Sweaty bangs appear to morph into vines of terror arranging themselves like prostitutes near the temples. How can this be fixed? I don’t think it can.
5. There seems to be an odd Mariana Trench sized petroglyph approximately three inches above the bridge of the nose. Consult Johns Hopkins regarding this.
6. Note to self: include “Do Not Attend Breakfast Out After Bike Riding and Wearing Helmet” warning?

Over and Out,
Professor Cupcake

5 Comments on "The Cupcake Lessons"

  1. Absentee ballot: Big fake furry winter hat with pom-poms circa 1973.

  2. Cupcake Murphy Cupcake Murphy says:

    Without my Bunsen Burner, near impossible to say, however knit caps have been known to create the Molting Pigeon Effect. Proceed accordingly, if at all.

  3. The Zadge says:

    Helmet head for sure. Have you ever seen Halle Berry after taking off on that motorcycle ride with Oliver Martinez? Like Medusa, I tell you.

  4. Cupcake Murphy Cupcake Murphy says:

    Carrot Top Head!

  5. MidLyfeMama says:

    I saw a kid, a teenaged aged kid, at soccer practice not too long ago, sporting, apparently on purpose and without assistance from any sort of helmet/hat, a fairly accurate rendition of Carrot Top head. It was disturbing and impressive all at once. I had to turn away so as not betray my confusion and bemusement to him. Teenagers don’t recover from that easily.