The Cupcake Lessons

After several decades of painstaking research I, and several thousand debit card users who went undercover and risked their lives, have FINALLY figured out why Suze Orman is so fucking scary:

1. If you look at her while she’s talking, her pupils pulse the exact beat to the opening of that song Eye of the Tiger
2. She’s all LET ME TELL YOU THIS, SISTER and she uses her finger to make her point and you’re not sure why but you’re not thinking about Sisterhood
3. Her hair reminds you of a tsunami
4. Where’d she come from? Mars? The Tundra? The Kremlin?
5. When you stare at her fangy smile for a long period of time you begin to garner that she’s bet her King Farouk savings that you’ll be poor and stay poor forever and then that way she’ll be able to always tell you what the hell to do

Oh Yeah?
Bertha Buzz-Off

6 Comments on "The Cupcake Lessons"

  1. That b*tch always works in a comment about how rich she is.

  2. She IS scary. You hit the nail on the head. And who spells their name “Suze”?

  3. Catalyst says:

    I love it! I love you for telling Suze where to head in at! Or is that “to”. I don’t know but to paraphrase a campaign slogan from 1948, “Give ’em hell, Cupcake!”

  4. Mrs. Tuna says:

    I have always resisted the siren song of Suze. And Dr. Laura too for that matter. The last thing I need is for people to judge me.

  5. The Zadge says:

    Do we want to discuss her perma-tan?

  6. MidLyfeMama says:

    She makes me get ragey, and I try very hard not to be ragey.