By now, you are probably aware that I am a scientist and I have teams of people wearing multi-colored helmets based on what will compliment their skin tone— most on several continents digging up research with their bare hands. The handy thing about having all these people doing research for me is that I don’t have to do a goddamn thing. Well, hold on, wait a second I take that back. I have to do SOMETHING. I have to be obstinate and argumentative and I have to refer to “MY TEAM OF ANTHROPOMORPHOSCIENTISTKICKASSES” for the reason that I am ….. right. Other than that I don’t have to do a teeensy thing except maybe reveal the ingenious findings that my team has unearthed on their latest metaphorical dig under my bathroom sink:
TOP FIVE THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR MATE. IN OTHER WORDS: NEVER SAY THESE WORDS IF YOU WANT TO STAY MARRIED/ALIVE:
1. Shut yer gob, puff pot.
2. Did anyone ever tell you you look exactly like Andre the Giant?
3. Yeah, So?
4. Is that you, honey? I can’t recognize you through your overgrown nose hair/back fat.
5. Let’s listen to REO Speedwagon again.
Tread Lightly and Tread Strong,