The Cupcake Lessons

Hey listen I know that there’s been a LOT of research and books and game shows and talk shows and surveys and litmus tests and Googling and Personality Infusions and Match Makers and Dos and Dont’s and Rules and Red Flags To Look For and Affirmations and Dream Boards and Manifestation Festivals and Background Research and Gut Instinct and Aura Cleansing and Colon Flushing done in order to find a GOOD MATE but let me just tell you—a team of never not working scientists have finally narrowed Potential Good Mate Material down to a few categories:

#1 — NEVER rude or mean to waiters/waitresses

#2 — NEVER EVER EVER EVER tries to swerve car in order to hit helpless, wayward birds in the road

#3 — Says “What happened?” periodically

#4 — Has no fur vest in wardrobe

#5 — Eyes are facing in the same general direction that yours are

#6 — Imbues you with the vague feeling that life is nice or at least has the potential to be

#7 — Interrupts during arguments (proves actually is human)

#8 — Gives you the foreign feeling that there’s a minuscule chance that maybe you’re great

If It’s Not a Crap Shoot It’s Not a Partnership,
Professor Who the Hell Knows

10 Comments on "The Cupcake Lessons"

  1. PJ says:

    Excellent advice, Professor WtHK.

    And don’t ever marry someone with potential. Marry already manifested.

  2. Hulk Rates himself: says:

    1. Check. No “Sneeze Burgers” for THIS fella…
    2. What? I mean, don’t we have a deal with the pigeons?
    3. More than periodically as they always seem to score when it’s my turn to go buy beer…
    4. Does chest hair count?
    5. Would “general direction” include the chestal region? I’m asking for a friend…
    6. Depends on the answer to #5
    7. “…with a passionate kiss.”
    8. At this point I’d settle for “at least I matter”…

  3. See, THIS is why is listen to you.

  4. Kana says:

    I’d take them on #8 alone, and just sit uncomfortably through his aking the waitstaff rhetorically if “that looks medium rare to you”.

    I’d burn the vest.

  5. Dear Dr. Who the Hell Knows:

    Is it fruitless to have pictures of Today sponges and Paul Newman all over my dream board?

    Just wondering.

    • Cupcake Murphy Cupcake Murphy says:

      When it comes to Dream Boards the only rule is that it has to be pretty and say something like Screw Anyone Who Doesn’t Like My Dream Board in words cut from Oprah magazines.

  6. Linda says:

    Some one above an IQ of “I can make conversation with a fake laugh heh heh heh” every two minutes. (dude, creepy)