The Snazzpants Report

I hope you have your seat belt on because the amount of Snazzaroo I am about to lay on you will probably give you whiplash. I mean, I am talkin’, once you dig the scene of my Super Sonic Snazz Jam I got goin’ on over here in Snazzville you might gonna wanna buckle up.

Here’s what I do when I am pure Snazz in Action:

When I discover that they finally have fresh, magical-fairy-face LILACS at Whole Foods I grab several bunches of them and I lurch to the checkout counter in full Snazzy Sniff mode and as the checker person rings up The Snazzlacs I watch her face as she gets a whiff of them and then I smile REALLY BIG and I wipe the drool from my chin and I give out a little Hauahhauahhhau! like an overexcited toddler that gets so excited it becomes scary for others around them and then after I’ve spent approximately seven thousand dollars on my sweet smelling beloveds I RACE home and I assemble a bouquet that would be fit for Ina Garten and just when I think the Snazz can’t get any Snazzier I make a teensy bouquet from the big bouquet as if the big bouquet has given birth and I stand back and sniff and stare and I get woozy from the aroma and I think Well done, Snazzpants, well done.

Snazzpants Rule #3:   Do it up.

Back to you in the studio,
Correspondent Cupcake

8 Comments on "The Snazzpants Report"

  1. The Farmer says:

    Do Snazzlacs not grow in CA?
    Quite possibly the best smell in the whole world. And one ugly-ass bush the rest of the year. Like they put all of their energy into that dazzling snazzling scent and then are too exhausted to do anything other than sit around in their old flannel robe for 360 days picking at blemishes and watching Tori’s show. Don’t I know the feeling.

    • Cupcake Murphy Cupcake Murphy says:

      They do not grow in California however there are some freakish “California Lilacs” that were genetically engineered to love the soil here except they don’t love the soil here and they don’t smell like real Snazzlacs (I tried to grow two of them when I lived in Pasadena and it took five years for them to yield one blank smelling bloom) and so when I can get my hands on the real ones I go Snazzazy.

      • The Farmer says:

        I have about 60 feet of ancient 20-foot high snazzlacs that scent the whole county for a week and they are included in the sale price of my home so if you know anyone that needs a lot of snazzlacs, lemme know asap.

  2. The Farmer says:

    Oh and nice table

  3. I’m not even going to get involved telling you how I travel around with pruning shears in my car just so I can hop out and steal juicy bunches of lilacs from property other than my own. I’m just going to say that I consider it quite luxurious to take a teensy bouquet, or a broken stem of a flower and keep it on the vanity in my potty.