Things Of Which I Am 100% Certain

1. Birds fly south for the winter
2. Loni Anderson loved her some hairspray
3. When you call a company and the person who works at that company uses your name every other syllable like a zombie that’s been told that your own name is music to your own ears it makes you want to ask that person if they have your address because if they do you plan to move all your crap into one of those U-Haul POD things that are left in the street in order to give you enough time to hightail it out of the country where you plan to live, hidden and obscure, in a remote area of Iceland far, far away from the person who continues to recite your name like a diligent yet creepy chihuahua on speed.

6 Comments on "Things Of Which I Am 100% Certain"

  1. 1. Agreed
    2. Agreed
    3. OMG, so agreed.

  2. Howling Robin says:

    Re: #3. This is especially annoying when the person keeps calling you MRS. ____ when you’re not a Mrs. I tell them, sweetly, “There’s no one here by that name”. The minute anyone in a sales position asks for my name, the hair on my neck stands up in the “Danger Will Robinson” position.

    • Cupcake Murphy Cupcake Murphy says:

      I love when they mispronounce your name in such a way that your question your own existence. And when I say love I mean hate.

  3. I am 100% certain that most phone-helper dudes call me by my last name because they think I’m a guy named Benjamin, and I usually don’t bother to correct him because I’m wondering if he ate fast food for lunch. I’m also 100% certain that I just wrote something tonight that makes me sound like I’m a total southern-hick-member-of-the-Clampetts clan. AND I’M TOTALLY EDUMACATED, YA’LL. SO GO OVER YONDER AND JUST TAKE A LEAK.