Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I’m writing to you using only my feet because my arms, hands and fingers are occupied with the blow dryer, a brush and plenty of prayer. You see, the other day, after not having had a pedicure at my local mani-pedi place for a good couple of months, I ventured down the hill and indulged my tootsies and I got so relaxed after having my tired old flippers massaged (rub, rub, rub oh heaven—RING! RING! RING!—want more? YES YES YES!!! Nine Million Minutes More Forever More Never Ending More!!!) that I asked the Ring Leader if I could have that hip looking skinny jeans guy in the corner trim my bangs (JUST A LITTLE!!!!!!!!) but before I knew it I was in the movie Andromeda Strain and my bangs looked like they’d been chewed off by a herd of vicious wolf eels and, I know you can’t get me my normal bangs that covered my helpless forehead back, but I was wondering do you think my decision to offer up my hair to these Feet People is the first sign of early onset dementia or do you think I was just high on that Five More Minute feeling?
—Holed Up In a Closet Outside Hoboken

Dear Closet,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

9 Comments on "Tuesday Expert Advice"

  1. “You want flower?”
    “No thank you.”
    “You want flower??”
    “NO. Thanks, though.”
    “YOU WANT FLOWER?”
    “NO!!!!!!!! NO FLOWER ON MY TOE!! JUST RUB MY DAMN FEET!!”

    Sincerely,
    almost-40-grumpy-mom-white-lady

  2. I have had so many special moments with my bangs I’ve lost track.

  3. There is absolutely nothing that will repair broken bangs as quickly as a Sharpie. (Try the new turquoise!) By the time it’s worn off your forehead, your bangs will have grown back and be ready for the next trim.

  4. Catalyst says:

    It is always so.

    “Just a light trim, please.”

    (Later)

    (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!)

  5. MidLyfeMama says:

    This is why I never let anyone I do not know cut my hair. In fact the same person has been cutting my hair for close to 20 years now, with only the times she took off for maternity leave putting me in the hands of someone else. And each time that someone else was the same someone, who I have watched cut hair now for almost 20 years and trust she knows what she is doing. No random skinny jeaned hack is coming near MY head with anything but shampoo and a smile.

    • Cupcake Murphy Cupcake Murphy says:

      I was lost when I asked. The same person has cut my hair since birth. I’m not sure what I was thinking.